Caleb and Grief

We couldn't stop squeezing our big little boy today when we first saw him,
and he couldn't stop giggling.
Words can't express how wonderful it is to be with him again.

This afternoon, we gathered Caleb together with his seven cousins.

We sat in a circle, and Brandon shared again the story of Jude's life.

The children were sad.  Some cried and some asked questions.

They asked such good questions.

Caleb's reaction was sweet.  He said again and again, "Ohhh..."

And then he asked, "Why did Baby Jude die?"

"Why won't we be able to see him for a long time?"

"Why can't I be with my brother?"

"Can we buy another baby?"

"And can we name him Jude?"

After we talked with the kids and heard their questions,

Brandon asked if anyone wanted to pray.

Immediately, Caleb raised his hand.

"Dear God, thank You for Baby Jude.

Thank You for his surgery.

Thank You for (he proceeds to name everyone in the room.)

In dear God name, Amen."

We are just beginning the process of grieving and mourning our sweet, sweet baby.

And, we felt that the Lord gave us a good start with Caleb today.

Thank you for praying.

And as we enter this part of the journey,

I don't want to forget a thing.

I find myself working to remember

the feel of holding his tiny, flexible little hand

or stroking the soft hair on his head.

I want to never forget his sweet, sweet scent

and the softness of the skin on his neck and back.

I want to hold on to what it felt like to kiss not only his sweet, soft cheeks

but also the tape that kept the tube in place that allowed my baby to breathe.

I want the weight and warmth of his body the times I held him

to be burned forever in my memory.

Lord, thank You again for the gift of our baby.

Thank You that You gave us the name Jude Matthew

knowing before we even imagined

how much You would be "praised" through his life...

and just how much of a "gift of God" he would be to so many.

 Amen.