Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sometimes Sad

Sweet Jude...still swollen from surgery

This is Brandon tonight writing in Jude's room while Mandy sings to him :)

The sadness in our situation tends to hit home for me about once every seven to ten days.  Yesterday was one of them.

I dropped Mandy off at the hospital around 11am and ran a few errands.  I felt like I needed a little time on my own getting a few things done.  After going to the bank and Verizon I arrived at the hospital around 12:30pm.  There was a lot going on and Jude was having a tough day.  He still wasn't making the kind of progress the doctor's were hoping for and he seemed to be in more pain than normal.  Fifteen minutes passed and Jude wasn't settling down.  He was scrunching his face a lot... both his anger and "I'm pooping" face... hard to know which sometimes.

The nurses began doing a sterile procedure so we moved outside Jude's room to talk with the PICU doctor.  Looking in I could tell that Jude was gagging now.  They had just begun giving him pedialyte through his NG tube that morning, the first liquids he had had directly into his stomach since the heart surgery on Friday.  There's not much that compares to watching your baby gag and eventually throw up.  Painful!  Thankfully Jude didn't throw up this time but he continued to gag some off and on.

Feeling uneasy and frustrated while hearing the update and seeing how Jude was doing, I decided to go down to the cafeteria and get lunch once we finished the update from the doctor.  I picked up my traditional bowl of soup (green chile and chicken yesterday :) ) and a few tacos then made my way to the outdoor patio.

Once I sat down to eat lunch, I received a text from my brother wondering how I was doing.  While I was replying I got some clarity on what I was thinking and feeling.  Normally I see Jude as a strong, little man, a fighter who keeps persevering day after day by God's grace.  He's endured so much and it amazes me how he keeps going.  I know in some measure he keeps fighting because of so many who pray for him.  What a strong, little guy!

What was different today was that I just felt sad for him.  I thought of what he's been through and what he was enduring and I felt pity.  I began to sob some, stopped and took a few bites of green chile soup and then sobbed a little more.  I sat there for a few minutes staring at the grass through tears.

While sitting at the table and eating a little more of my lunch, my mind drifted off and pondered how painful it must have been for the Father to watch His Son - His one and only Son - go through immense pain and loneliness on the Cross.  Pain and loneliness on a cosmic level, beyond anything I'll go through.  It didn't comfort me that much in the moment but I sensed I was not alone in the experience, that there is One who understands.  I wasn't alone at that table either.  I never am... and neither is our little guy.  Thank you, Father, for never leaving or forsaking me.

Tonight, we are thanking the Lord that:
  • Jude has begun taking breast milk again
  • he has needed less support on the ventilator
  • he went from virtually no urine output on Saturday and Sunday to healthy, normal urine output the last two days :)
  • we are cared for by you who read about Jude and pray for us
Tonight, we need the Lord to generously give:
  • continued progress to Jude in his feeding, healing, peeing and breathing
  • strength and perspective to continue on and enjoy this chosen path for us


Kellie said...

Such a sweet little boy - that photo of him melts me. He is a blessed child, and you are blessed parents. As always, praying with you.


Anonymous said...

I don't know that there is anything more difficult in this life than watching your child suffer, and not being able to alleviate the pain. I can't imaging how difficult it must be to allow yourself to think about what Jude is experiencing, but by doing so you are so beautifully validating his experience and his humanity...and your own. You are bearing his burden, as I believe Jesus would have you do.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." -Earnest Hemingway, A farewell to Arms

I don't believe Earnest Hemingway was a man of faith but this quote has ministered to me on many occasions. My prayer for you tonight is that you, Mandy, and Jude would experience a Strength not your own day by day as you walk through this time in your lives. And that you would truly know in the depths of your being that you do not walk alone.

Lori H.

Anonymous said...

And Caleb too, of course :-)

fizznick said...

I love you guys! I think and pray for you every day!

Bonnie said...

Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Brandon. We so wish we could support you in a more tangible way - but we will keep praying! Love, Gordon and Bonnie

Julia said...

Oh my goodness. I cant imagine how hard that was to watch. Thanks for the precious picture and sharing your pain. We love you guys.

Rachel said...

brandon, brian and i love you very much. whew... we just pray that the Lord would grant you supernatural peace today... in this moment. and, of course, we are ALWAYS praying for you sweet little boy. love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Jude is so handsome! Thanks for the picture of that precious face! It warms my heart that our sweet boy is making so much progress. I will keep praying faithfully! As a mother of a child with special needs, I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle in anyway. How much our Father loved us to sacrifice for us!
Praying for comfort for Jude and strength for you.

Liz and Phil said...

Brandon and Mandy - Thanks for the updates and as always for your vulnerability and place of peace in the Cross. I was praying for you guys last night the word ABUNDANCE kept coming to mind. So my prayer has been that you would see the Abundance of the Lord more clearly, that you would know His Abundant love for you guys and your boys, that your faith will grow and stretch and multiply in abundant ways. We love you and will not stop praying with you!

Anonymous said...

Brandon and Mandy, your blog continues to minister to me in such a sweet way. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. The Lord is clearly being glorified through you! Our hearts ache with you for little Jude and our prayers for you continue. May the Lord continue to fill you with His strength and may little Jude's body be healed fully.

Love you guys!
-Steph and Aaron

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