Monday, November 21, 2011

Grief and month later

Tonight marks one month since our beautiful baby went home...and the days since we have been back have been rather difficult.  Thank you for praying for us.

While trying to go about a "normal" life, I have felt anything but.  My heart continues to ache for my little boy.  At times I have felt like doing nothing but crying...or sleeping.  And, I have indulged often.  Other times, I have felt immobilized, unable to do something simple such as helping my son get to bed or clear the table.  I have even forgotten to make Caleb breakfast...and then lunch.  Thankfully, he lets me know when he gets hungry.

And somehow, I think it's okay.  I think it's okay that Candy Land and bean bags are spread throughout our living room.  And, I think it's okay that beds don't get made and dishes don't get washed.*  And, I still think it's okay that I might go days without even looking at my phone.  That will hopefully change soon.  Thanks, friends, for continuing to be gracious towards me.

This is all temporary.  I know that.  Someday we will get into some kind of rhythm again.  It might even be soon.  I don't know.  What I do know, however, is that we really don't ever want to be normal again. 

To be normal was to think too much of this world.  To be normal was to desire too much the things of this world...things that would never satisfy.  And, to be normal was to act at times as if this were all there were...forgetting what and who awaits. 

I don't want to be normal.  

And, thankfully, our grieving isn't normal either.  We don't grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thess 4:18).  Somehow, there is joy all mixed up with our sadness.  And, there is such hope.  Great hope.  Beautiful hope.  And, we continue to pray that the life of our little boy will lead others to the One in whom that hope is found.  If you don't know Him, check out this great resource as well as this one.   Please. 

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep,
that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again,
even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.
For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive,
who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.
For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command,
with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God.
And the dead in Christ will rise first.
Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them
in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air,
and so we will always be with the Lord. 
Therefore encourage one another with these words.

(1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV)

 *Thought I'd add that my wonderful husband has regularly been doing the dishes...and cooking.  :-)  So thankful for him.


amyfaith said...

Thanking God for the hope only He can give. Agreeing that "normal" is not where I want to be. Knowing the Lord will be with you during this time to help you through the sorrow with a joy only He can bring. love & prayers from colorado.

Dean Howard said...

Thinking of you and Brandon and praying God comforts you.

Andrea Moberly said...

Mandy, thank you for continuing to share your life with us - I am able to change my idea of normal by traveling this road with you, even if I'm walking at a distance. You are a special woman and I look forward to seeing you in person again someday so I can give you a huge hug! Until then I'll give you my prayers and pray you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

Kellie said...

Sweet Mandy, I'm praying for you.

Jen said...

You never will be the woman you were before Jude but that isn't a bad thing. Life has a way of doing that to us. To me, you are a better version of the person I knew. You can't walk through fire and not get burned but you did survive. I can say, from experience, that there might be times when you don't want to make it but God has a way of making you stick it out. When people say, "I made it throug by the Grace of God", that is how you really do make it. I'm not saying you are as bad as I was but know he will pull you through and yes the dishes can wait and the housework will wait too.

rachael a said...

i don't want to be normal either.

i don't know you dear.
i saw your little Jude on a friend of a friend's blog and he and you were in my prayers.

i cried when i saw about him being taken home. my mother's heart ached deeply.

i have two little boys. it is an every day struggle to rest in God's care for them.. to trust Him with their sweet little lives.

May God bless you and keep you close in His Love.

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