Something Beyond Ourselves

"Loss forces us to see the dominant role our environment plays in determining our happiness.  Loss strips us of the props we rely on for our well-being.  It knocks us off our feet and puts us on our backs.  In the experience of loss, we come to the end of ourselves. 

But in coming to the end of ourselves, we can also come to the beginning of a vital relationship with God.  Our failures can lead us to grace and to profound spiritual awakening.  This process occurs frequently with those who suffer loss.  It often begins when we face our own weaknesses and realize how much we take favorable circumstances for granted.  When loss deprives us of those circumstances, our anger, depression, and ingratitude expose the true state of our souls, showing us how small we really are.  We see that our identity is largely external, not internal. 

Finally, we reach the point where we begin to search for a new life, one that depends less on circumstances and more on the depth of our souls.  That, in turn, opens us up to new ideas and perspectives, including spiritual ones. We feel the need for something beyond ourselves, and it begins to dawn on us that reality may be more than we once thought it to be.  We begin to perceive hints of the divine, and our longing grows.  To our shock and bewilderment, we discover that there is a Being in the universe, who despite our brokenness and sin, loves us fiercely.  In coming to the end of ourselves, we have come to the beginning of our true and deepest selves.  We have found the One whose love gives shape to our being."

Jerry Sittser
A Grace Disguised

Give Thanks

             (In our home: Thanksgiving week = OCC)

A Grace Disguised

"The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.  

...I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best I could.  Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it.  I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea what that would mean (p. 42)" 

Jerry Sittser      A Grace Disguised:  How the Soul Grows Through Loss

I started reading this book tonight.  After having read only a fourth of it, I already know that it is a book that will be shared often.  In it, he writes of his grieving process:  "The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives.  Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss.  It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us.  Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul.  But then again, so did light (p. 45)."

As of now, we are planning on driving to Albuquerque later this week.  There are people we need to see, and we feel the need to go.  It is where our baby lived, and because of that there are so many sweet memories mixed in with the sad.  Visiting that city and taking Caleb along with us will be part of our healing process...part of our "plunging into the darkness..." that we might someday reach the sunrise.

Thank you for praying for us.

This new story on my beautiful cousin, Andrea, aired last night in Indiana.  Andrea's smile and story reflect the beauty and goodness of the Lord, and I highly encourage you to watch it.  Please pray for her, Mike (her husband), Lydia (her daughter), and Steve and Sandi (her parents) as she transitions to a longer term rehab hospital in Michigan.

Thank you. 

Operation Christmas Child

National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child ended on Monday.  It is such a blessing to fill a shoebox with toys, candy, toothbrushes and even clothes.  Each individual box goes to a specific child, and it is exciting to think that each of those children will experience the love of God in a very practical way.  In addition, each box contains the gospel in a format specifically suited to children...with the opportunity for discipleship available if needed.

Caleb and I volunteered a few times throughout the week.  Our church is the local collection center, and over 7,000 boxes went up to the nearest processing center from our area.  What an incredible blessing to be a part of this!

If you are interested in filling a shoebox but didn't have time to get one out, you can still build a box online!  You can choose the items you would like to be sent out in a box, as well as upload a photo and a note from you or your family.  To learn more, visit Samaritan's Purse.  To see the article in today's paper, visit The LC Sun-News.

Grief and Hope...one month later

Tonight marks one month since our beautiful baby went home...and the days since we have been back have been rather difficult.  Thank you for praying for us.

While trying to go about a "normal" life, I have felt anything but.  My heart continues to ache for my little boy.  At times I have felt like doing nothing but crying...or sleeping.  And, I have indulged often.  Other times, I have felt immobilized, unable to do something simple such as helping my son get to bed or clear the table.  I have even forgotten to make Caleb breakfast...and then lunch.  Thankfully, he lets me know when he gets hungry.

And somehow, I think it's okay.  I think it's okay that Candy Land and bean bags are spread throughout our living room.  And, I think it's okay that beds don't get made and dishes don't get washed.*  And, I still think it's okay that I might go days without even looking at my phone.  That will hopefully change soon.  Thanks, friends, for continuing to be gracious towards me.

This is all temporary.  I know that.  Someday we will get into some kind of rhythm again.  It might even be soon.  I don't know.  What I do know, however, is that we really don't ever want to be normal again. 

To be normal was to think too much of this world.  To be normal was to desire too much the things of this world...things that would never satisfy.  And, to be normal was to act at times as if this were all there were...forgetting what and who awaits. 

I don't want to be normal.  

And, thankfully, our grieving isn't normal either.  We don't grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thess 4:18).  Somehow, there is joy all mixed up with our sadness.  And, there is such hope.  Great hope.  Beautiful hope.  And, we continue to pray that the life of our little boy will lead others to the One in whom that hope is found.  If you don't know Him, check out this great resource as well as this one.   Please. 

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep,

that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again,

even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive,

who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.

For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command,

with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God.

And the dead in Christ will rise first.

Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them

in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air,

and so we will always be with the Lord. 

Therefore encourage one another with these words.

   

(1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV)

 *Thought I'd add that my wonderful husband has regularly been doing the dishes...and cooking.  :-)  So thankful for him.

The Sun-News Story

Diana Alba of the Las Cruces Sun-News wrote a story about our precious little guy.  It appeared on the front page of today's paper.  You can find the article here.

Thank you, Diana.

Today was a difficult day.  I hope to share more about how we are doing and what I am processing sometime soon.  In the meantime, we continue to need prayer.  And, we remain grateful to the Lord for your prayers.

Teach me your way, LORD,

 that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;

 I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;

Psalm 86:11-13

The End of Down Syndrome?

My friend, Holly, shared both of these articles on Down Syndrome.  The first one discusses a new test that will probably increase the number of children with Down Syndrome who are aborted.  Already, 90% of children with DS aren't allowed to live.  With this new test, that number will increase still more.  It's horrifying. 

The second article is a blog post by the man in this video I posted about a while back, John Knight.  His post considers the possibility of this test actually having the opposite effect and leading people to see all life as a beautiful gift...and even "breaking the back of the abortion industry."  It seems impossible, but nothing is impossible with God.  Please pray.  

Article 1:  The End of Down Syndrome
Article 2:  Crazy Thought...but what if?

Jude's Service

Tonight marks four weeks since our sweet little man left our arms to be with the One who made him.

Three weeks ago, we had a service in Las Cruces to celebrate his short life, and our incredibly talented friend, Nick, recorded it.  We are so thankful to have this video to keep...along with all of the other sweet memories of our baby boy's life.  Thanks so much, Nick, for sharing your skills with us. :-) And, thanks so much to all of you who came as well as to those of you who were praying for us throughout.

Brandon put together the minutes for the video for those who might be interested in watching some but don't have an hour to spare. 

0:00:25    Welcome - Mark Olson

0:02:40    Caleb and his cousins sing Mighty to Save

0:05:20    Pastor John and Mary Lou Powell speak

0:24:55    Singing Christ the Solid Rock and Jesus Paid it All

0:31:50    Jude's video

0:37:10    Brandon speaks

0:52:40    Family members and friends share about Jude's impact

1:01:30    Mandy shares

1:04:05    A few more people share

1:07:05    Jude's Song

First Day

Caleb had his first day of school today.

A few months late

is better than never.  :-)

He jumped back in

as if he had never left.

He loves his friends there,

and I love the teachers and the moms.

So, it works out well for both of us.

Millie

This is Brandon tonight.

When we returned to Las Cruces, Mandy noticed a raw area under our cat Millie's chin.  Mandy took her to the vet yesterday with Caleb.  It's feline acne and she may have gotten it from her plastic food and water bowls.

The process of giving Millie oral antibiotics has been dreadful.  She hates it!  We hold her down, pry her mouth open, attempt to get the pill into her mouth, then squeeze it shut.  We fail over and over again while Millie gets more and more agitated.  She's making lots of crazy noises we've never heard before too.

It's made me think of the pain and suffering we are enduring and we all endure.  Right now, Millie doesn't understand at all why we are doing this.  We know, but she cannot understand.  She probably never will make the connection.

What's been interesting about the process is that Millie is much more submissive while we've held her than I thought she would be.  She hasn't tried to bite or scratch us.  She does indeed hate it, but we can tell that she trusts us.  Mandy speaks words of love to Millie over and over.  It's amazing to see Millie become calm as Mandy talks to her.

Now, what about us?

We can submit to our God who at times sends us pain, or we can fight.  We can lash out at Him with bitterness or we can cry out to Him for help and grace.  Obviously we all dislike the painful things we go through, but we can, at the same time, trust Him as good and in control.

Most of all we must seek to hear His voice that says over and over, "I'm here.  I love you.  I do care.  Keep trusting Me."

Jesus, I pray that You would help me/us submit to You right in the middle of our pain and sorrow.  Help us slow down enough to hear You say, "I do love you.  Look at the cross and never forget how far I've gone to show you My love."

"...though now for a little while

you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—

of greater worth than gold,

which perishes even though refined by fire—

may result in praise, glory and honor

when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen him, you love him;

and even though you do not see him now,

you believe in him and

are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..." 

1 Peter 1:6b-8

 Here's a little something from Mandy...

Operation Christmas Child National Collection Week is this week!

Consider packing a shoebox to show the love of Jesus to a child somewhere in the world.

To learn more and to find a collection center near you, go here.

If you're in our area, you can drop off at our church, FEFC.

Three Months

Three months ago today, our wonderful baby boy was born.
And, tonight I am missing him.

Over the course of these months, the Lord has shown Himself faithful.
And, tonight I am thankful.

Thankful...

• that his life didn't end on October 21st...but really only just began.
• for Jesus...God made flesh who dwelt among us...that we "might not perish but have eternal life."
• for the molds and prints we have of our baby's hands and feet.
• for all the photos and videos we have.
• for the record of Jude's life on this blog.
• for how my baby has changed my world.
• for friends who will forgive me for not calling or responding yet.
• for a husband who watched Caleb so I could get out and spend some time at Starbucks with my Bible and my journal.
• for a car repair that wasn't too significant. 
• for a really good vet who is helping us with our cat's new health issues.
• that Caleb uses the new word "swack" in his daily vocabulary.
• that the ophthalmologist today gave us a good report for Caleb.  No more patching and no surgery!  :-)
• for a husband who plays board games and wrestles with his son.  
• for the uncontrollable giggles that can be heard during the aforementioned wrestling/tickling matches.
• for a chance to watch a few minutes of college basketball tonight. 
• for joy in the midst of sorrow. 
• for the beauty that can be found in the midst of such pain. 

And tonight I am thankful for a loving God who knows...who sees...and whose power is infinite.

What we don't know, He does.
What we don't see, He sees.
What we can't do, He can.

Our lives are safe in His hands.

Thank You, Lord.

בָּעֶרֶב יָלִין בֶּכִי וְלַבֹּקֶר רִנָּה

Weeping may remain for a night,  but rejoicing comes in the morning.  Psalm 30:5

An "Extra" Birthday

Today, Caleb got to celebrate his "extra birthday."  Before we went up to Albuquerque for Jude's birth, I had planned a Lego party for Caleb's birthday in September.  Things didn't really go as we expected, so our little guy instead got to have an unforgettable birthday far away with all of his cousins. 

We still wanted to celebrate his birthday in person.  So, the three of us celebrated what he called his "extra birthday."  We surprised him with the balloons covering his floor when he woke up (idea found on pinterest).  He wasn't expecting them, and he woke us up a little after six...thrilled as he realized what they meant.  It was lots of fun, and I hope to make this a new tradition for birthdays...to go along with our old one of breakfast-in-bed and a new one that Caleb enjoyed at his cousins' house: blowing out a candle with each meal.
 

 

Caleb LOVES Legos.  He literally can spend hours playing and building...tearing down and building again.  Tonight, he accomplished something pretty cool.  For the first time, he followed the directions on his new set and finished it all by himself.  He was so proud of himself.  After he completed it, he looked at me with a beaming smile on his face and asked, "Mommy, am I like a scientist?"

Yep, he's pretty likeable.

...grace to help us in our time of need

The night we got home from Albuquerque, we didn't have to cook dinner.  Soup was waiting for us.  All we had to do was heat it up.  Yet, after we had eaten, I just stared at my bowl.  I stared at it for what felt like a very long time.  I couldn't find in myself the strength to get up and take it to the sink. 

Today, I started doing a few normal, everyday things.  I wrote a check.  I went to the grocery store.  I went to church.  I changed cat litter.  I swept the floor.  I worked on finances.  I even thought about making dinner.  That was the extent of it, however...a thought.

As we needed the Lord in the hospital, we continue to need Him now.  As He met us in the hospital, He continues to meet us now.  I don't know that I have ever before felt the need to ask Him for help to do the simple things such as washing a dish or putting away laundry.  But, I do now.  I cannot find the strength in myself to do the things I need to do.  I feel that more strongly than I ever have before.  I feel like I am right now living out of a desperate dependence.  Thankfully, He is dependable.  

Tomorrow, a new normal begins.  Brandon returns to work on campus, and I will probably turn back on my cell phone.  Tuesday, however, might be a better taste of what life will be like...as tomorrow our little family is going to celebrate Caleb's birthday (exactly two months later).  He doesn't know it yet.  When he wakes up and sees the 90 or so balloons waiting on the floor of his bedroom, he will.

Thank you for praying for us.  We continue to be carried along by your prayers.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace

to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Ronald McDonald House

We are big fans of the place that was our home for a little over two months.  It freed us up to be near Jude throughout his journey, and we will forever be thankful to the RMHC and the people who support it.

Before we left, I made a quick video of the Ronald McDonald House.  So, here's my tour.  Please pay no attention to the random things I say or the lack of camera skills.  :-)

Again...thanks.

We received this beautiful figurine from some friends tonight.

It made me cry.

So did our house when I saw that it had been cleaned again by other amazing friends,

and it definitely needed it.

Not only that, but we also had a stocked freezer full of food

and a table full of sweet cards from lots of people we love.

We received notes as well from the Ronald McDonald House

saying that friends had donated on behalf of Jude,

and another group of 12 friends are together

sponsoring a child through Compassion...

one for each month of the year.

Still another has already chosen a child to sponsor

with the same birthday as our baby boy.  

If my friend, whose decision to adopt was in part influenced by our son,

is blessed with a boy, she told me that she will give him the middle name Jude.

And just now, I saw that another friend had shared this photo with me.

We have been unbelievably blessed by the people in our lives.

There are not words to accurately describe how it feels to be loved like this.

Thank you all for letting the Lord love us through you.

News

Today, my hometown newspaper published a beautiful article about our sweet little baby.
You can find the article here.

Thank you, Michelle Kinsey, for wanting to share his story.
It's a sweet one.

p.s.  While I would have loved to have met him at Purdue, Brandon and I met while living in Mexico.  :-)

Dependence

Randomness

Tonight, as I sit here in the dark of our hotel room,
I listen to the sweet breathing of my husband and my son...
and the abrasive police sirens on the streets of New Orleans.
And while I sit here, I miss the beauty of the mountains
and those soft cheeks I loved to kiss so very much.

I am not at all eager to get home...
to housework...to responsibility...to cooking...and to reality.
But, it will be good to be with people we love...
and give some stability to our lonely cat.

Thank you so much for praying for us.

Would you please pray for my incredible cousin, Andrea, and her family?
As I have written before, she suffered a traumatic brain injury in the Sugarland stage collapse, 
and her life has been an unbelievable testimony to the power of God ever since.
He is so beautiful in her.  

You can read more about her journey here and here.

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1 

p.s. Please forgive the randomness of this post.  I am tired.

Thankful

Having enjoyed a few days in the Smoky Mountains,
we continue our journey home tomorrow.

It is a very long drive, and we are taking our time...

simply being together.

 

I am currently reading O Love That Will Not Let Me Go by Nancy Guthrie.

It is a collection of thoughts about death by contemporary and classic theologians,

and it is where I read the quote I posted yesterday.

In it, JI Packer points out that up until the twentieth century,

death served as one's constant companion.

People had to walk near cemeteries to get to church,

and most children died before the age of ten.

 Death, the one certainty of everyone's life, was not the "unmentionable" it is today,

and believers saw this life as preparation for the next.

 Today as we were driving in the mountains,

we stopped in a church graveyard that dates back to the nineteenth century.

As we walked amongst the tombstones, we saw a surprising amount marking the graves of babies.

I took several photos of them, but this one in particular caught my eye.

Offa Sparks lived two months, 

and her stone says, "Gone But Not Forgotten."

 

Tonight, I am thankful.

I am thankful to live in a time and place where

Jude was able to receive the medical care he received

that allowed us to be able to get to know our sweet little boy.

I am thankful to be the daughter of the One who is sovereign over my baby's life

just as He is sovereign over the lives of my husband and 5-year-old son.

I am thankful for this peaceful time with my little family.

And, I am thankful for all this beauty that is only a dim reflection

of the beauty that is yet to come.

True Contentment