Everything Beautiful

My Felt Jesse Tree Ornaments

2012-02-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I saw this beautiful advent calendar.

Thus began the dream of learning to sew...and attempting one of my own.

So, in late November and early December, felt and my sewing machine became a form of therapy.

And now, in late January, I thought I would share how my ornaments turned out.

Here's how I did them:

I found a design I liked on the internet or drew one of my own on freezer paper.

If I found it online, then I printed it out on freezer paper.

Next, I ironed the freezer paper on to the felt and cut it out...eventually peeling off the freezer paper.

Then, I sewed it together...putting a folded piece of elastic to hang the ornament.

(Elastic wasn't the best idea. It's just what I had on hand.)

I learned that if I wanted the back side to be neat and to match up well with the front side,

it was best not to cut out the backside before sewing.

Instead, I just sewed the front to a larger piece of felt and then cut the back to be even with the front. I hope that makes sense. It took me a while before I figured that one out.

They are far from perfect, but I learned a lot.

And, I liked how they turned out.

You can find the link for the book we used in this post.

We eventually stopped doing the readings, and just read the Scripture.

His Word was sufficient...and so good to think upon.

If you have a sewing machine and haven't played with wool felt, try it!

It is so much fun (and easy) to work with.

Our Entry into Homeschooling

2012-01-30T22:03:00.002-07:00

Last week, Caleb and I began homeschooling.

So, on the days he doesn't go to his wonderful preschool,

he gets to do some school work with me.

It has been something I have wanted to do for years.

And, we are both thoroughly enjoying it.

I love watching his mind work,

and I am so grateful to get to watch how he develops.

I am so thankful for this opportunity.

And if you're interested, I am (at this point) using a blend of Sonlight, Timberdoodle, My Father's World, How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, and random books and tools I have found at garage sales over the years. :-)

And, I also welcome any advice for a homeschool newbie.

Holding on to Hope

2012-01-29T20:36:00.002-07:00

Several weeks ago, my pastor shared a copy of

a talk given by Nancy Guthrie at a Peacemakers conference.
It was called Holding on to Hope.

On Thursday, I listened to it...
then I listened to it again...
and again.

It was that good.

It is the best talk on suffering I have heard so far.
In it, she says:

We think He hasn't delivered on the promise
we thought He had made to us.
We tend to define love as a commitment to our comfort.
But God's love for you and me is not defined nor expressed most significantly
by God's willingness to make us comfortable or successful or healthy or happy.
God's love for us is defined by His commitment to our ultimate good
and our eternal, unending joy...
which is found only in relationship with Him.

Nancy knows what it means to suffer.
The next time you're making dinner or washing the dishes,
check out her story. It will definitely be time well spent.

You can find the video of her talk here.
You can also find the audio here if you would like to download it.

Faith and Hope in Tragedy: My Favorite Example

2012-01-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

Eleven years ago yesterday, an event occurred that changed my life forever.

It was a Friday night. I was in my last semester at Purdue University, and I had just finished my third week of student teaching. After a long day at school and a commute to which I was still adjusting, I was exhausted. A lot of friends of mine were getting together, and I decided to join them...in spite of the strong inclination to head home for bed.

As we were hanging out, a friend came in from outside with a horrific announcement. There had been a tragic car accident. Three of our friends had driving home for a birthday party when the car hit ice and collided with a semi. One of them, Matt Cahill, had been killed instantly. The others, Matt and Jake Cushman (brothers), had been critically injured and were being transported to a hospital in a city.

Shock set in immediately. There aren't words to express the pain that engulfed us as we cried together and sought to comfort one another...as well as try to grasp the ramifications of what we had just learned. Though we were all eager to make the trip immediately, the snowstorm that had caused the accident prevented us from driving across the state of Indiana to the hospital. So, we waited until morning to set out.

I don't remember who was in my car as we were driving. I don't remember how we received the news. All I remember is that I had to pull over once we received word of Jake's death that morning. The tears were falling so hard that it made driving impossible.

Two of our good friends had just died, and one was still in critical condition.

We arrived at the hospital broken and sad...heartbroken over the loss of such good friends and deeply concerned about Matt's condition. I will never forget what happened next. Matt and Jake's father, Tom, gathered us together in a circle to pray. The words that came out of his mouth as he began to pray have impacted me in such a way that they have burned in my memory these eleven years:

"Though He slay me,

yet will I hope in Him (Job 13:15)."

How could he pray that? How could he declare that he would continue to trust God when one son had died just hours before and the other son remained in critical condition with a traumatic brain injury? This man's life and family had just been changed forever. Yet, he was choosing to believe that God was still good. And, in doing so, God was showing a group of young college students what faith looks like.

Eleven years later, the example of my friends' father challenges me still. When the storm surrounds me and the circumstances of my life seem too painful to bear, I know that the One in whom Job hoped...the One in whom my friends' father hoped...is the only One in whom I can place my hope. He alone is my firm foundation...and He is so worthy of my trust. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)."

In the wake of the accident, we saw His goodness and His faithfulness. The Lord answered our prayers as Matt slowly recovered from his brain injury. And, in the midst of our mourning, we watched as God moved in countless lives on campus as only He can.

Three months earlier in the fall of that year, these three young men had been leaders in an innovative outreach that touched every single person on the campus of Purdue University: the Do You Agree With Matt? campaign. There was not a student in our school of 40,000 people who had not at least heard of Matt Cahill. So, when news broke on campus three months later of his death, the story he had shared so often during that campaign became campus, city, and even statewide news. And, people who had three months earlier declared they did NOT agree with Matt began to be impacted by the hope that he had so courageously and publicly shared three months earlier...a hope in Jesus Christ.

And, that hope was no longer necessary. Faith had become sight.

Thank You, Jesus.

To read more about the Do You Agree With Matt? campaign, read this article and this article.

How to Draw a "Battletank"

2012-01-25T21:51:00.002-07:00

The other day Caleb asked me,

"Do you want to know how to draw a battletank?"

I did, actually.

And, I thought I'd share with you...in case you wanted to know. :-)

He draws them everywhere...on sidewalks, on paper, on his chalkboard doors.

When I asked him where he learned to draw them,

he says he "teached" himself.

Cute kid.

Our Camping Adventure

2012-01-24T22:49:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, my wonderful friend, Renee, and I went camping.

Renee is my kindred spirit when it comes to nature and adventure...

and we were both desperately needing to be outside.

So, we packed up the car, said goodbye to our families, and headed to a nearby state park.

After setting up camp, we enjoyed the beautiful sunset.

As we watched, we spotted a group of animals we had never seen before.

They are called javelina and are somewhat related to wild pigs. So cool.

Then, we walked across the rocks to take the opportunity

to observe the night sky through a powerful telescope.

And, we saw this:

It's Jupiter and three of its moons. It was beautiful.

I took this photo through the eyepiece of the telescope,

and so you can't see the lines of the storm at the center of the planet. But, our eyes could.

This particular park is in the middle of nowhere, so the stars at night are amazing.

I shot this photo of star trails there a few years ago.

Later, as we were enjoying the fire, the wind started to pick up.

And, by "pick up," I mean it started blowing so hard

that we had to scramble to find our things that had begun to blow away.

As I was putting some of those things in the tent,

I quickly felt it starting to collapse on me.

The wind had broken our tent.

We aren't meteorologists,

but we estimated the wind gusts to be around 50mph.

So, we put out the fire and settled in for the night in our minivan...

where it was warm and quiet and safe from the wind that howled all night.

We may not have been outside,

but we still had lots of fun talking and reading.

And, I got my beauty fix.

To both of our husbands who watched the kids...

Thank you.

His Room

2012-01-22T23:23:00.002-07:00

After three months of waiting,

we began the process of taking our baby boy's nursery down,

and we put away most of his things.

It was incredibly difficult.
But, the same God who walked us through the unknowns last summer as we created it,
carried us as we took apart the crib, packed up the clothes, and stored the memories in a chest.
And, the same God who was writing the story when we took the crib down the first time,
will continue to show us all the goodness of His plan.
Our dreams are in His hands.

These words, this song, and the verses below are meaning a lot to me tonight:

You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

Psalm 56:8

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the LORD.

Psalm 55:8

Post-Christmas Gingerbread Destruction

2012-01-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

We started a new tradition today: destroying our gingerbread houses.

He was initially a little sad at the thought, but it was better than the alternative...the trash can.

It was really fun...especially for a boy.

3 things about our little boy:

He can't really be described as physically affectionate.

He really likes to destroy things.

He has A LOT of personality.

I am linking up with Emily today.

Sick Day

2012-01-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

This is my photo for today...Caleb sitting in front of the tv with Koala.

He is doing better now with a humidifier and some sleep.

I really love that boy...and hanging out with him on the couch.

p.s. Take a look at the wonderful room my super talented sister-in-law, Julia, created for her girls.
I am linking directly to the post, but make sure you look at her previous post about their first floor.
They recently bought a house from the 1800's and are making it beautiful. :-)

Project 365

2012-01-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

In the four years since I have had a DSLR,

I have wanted to complete a Project 365...a photo a day for a year.

Fear of failure has kept me from attempting it.

But, the daily record that we now have of our sweet baby's 67 days are precious to me.

That, plus the desire to improve in photography, have been enough motivation to do it this year.

I am not sure in what format I am going to share them online,

but I know I want to make a book...probably like this one.

Have you...or anyone you know...ever completed this?

Five Months

2012-01-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

This beautiful little guy would have turned five-months-old today.

As I look at this photo (one I thought I had lost),

I so want to kiss that sweet little nose...that lovable face.

As I look at others,

I can still feel the weight of his body in my arms...

and the feel of his skin as I held him.

I'm grateful for that.

They say that grief looks differently for everyone.

Right now, it looks like smudges from kisses on the glass of two picture frames.

It looks like a pile of lego guys, parachutes, candy and even a gun given to a baby brother.

And, it looks like an ever-growing list of examples of God's faithfulness to us.

p.s. Tomorrow morning starts the Hello Mornings challenge.

It isn't too late to join if you'd like to join our Facebook group.

Family Christmas

2012-01-13T22:34:00.001-07:00

You would think by looking at these photos that they were taken about three weeks ago.

Nope. I took them today.

Yes. We still have our Christmas decorations up.

In fact, I haven't even unplugged the lights outside our living room window.

And, I still have a few more Christmas cards to send out. :-)

Today, we finally had our Christmas together as a family.

Travel pushed things back. We didn't want to carry gifts on an airplane. So, we waited.

The little boy was most excited about the Nerf guns with targets and protective eye glasses

that I found last summer almost new at a garage sale for $5.

I heart garage sales.

But, I am not too excited about all the orange darts I will be finding in the future.

Now...I think it's finally time to start the annual holiday tear down.

Sorry, neighbors.

Embracing the Camera

2012-01-12T10:04:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, I found some photos of Jude that I thought

I had lost or accidentally erased...including some favorites.

It was so very good for my heart to find them.

I am sharing this one that Brandon took for Embrace the Camera today.

If you haven't checked out Emily's blog,

she encourages moms to get out from behind the camera occasionally.
It's pretty much every Thursday.

Check it out here:

Accountability

2012-01-10T00:06:00.003-07:00

With the husband home, I was able to get out today and do some hiking.

I really needed both the beauty and the exercise.

Somewhere mixed in with the goals I shared earlier,

is the universal New Year's resolution:

I want to exercise more.

Part of the Hello Mornings challenge each morning is to do 4 things:

Get out of bed.

Spend time with Jesus through prayer and reading/studying the Bible.

Exercise.

Plan your day.

I am not too unrealistic to think that I can do them all each day...

especially because the little boy's wake-up time varies.

And, schedules can be inconsistent.

But, it is so good for me to have a plan.

Tsh Oxenreider (Simple Mom) recently wrote an article with some helpful thoughts

to follow through on goals, Two Ways to Make New Years Resolutions Actually Stick.

In it, she writes of the importance of taking baby steps

as well as the importance of accountability, or making your resolution public.

I know I definitely need the accountability...

and this challenge (and blogging) has already helped with that.

I really want to reshape my mornings...

and as a result, my days.

Also, I am thinking that if I want to change my morning routine,

I am going to need to change my evening routine as well.

So, I will no longer blog every night...

so I can try to make it to bed a little earlier.

I still hope to blog consistently, but I really want to make Jesus first.

I need Him pretty desperately.

What helps you stick with your resolutions?

Home

2012-01-09T00:02:00.003-07:00

Brandon came home tonight from a hunting trip...

and we are quite happy about it.

We really like him around.

Happy Centennial, New Mexico!

2012-01-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

Our beautiful state became a century old yesterday!

We celebrated today by attending the Centennial parade

and hanging out at the farmer's market all day.

And...we were warm in our short-sleeved shirts. :-)

I love this state.

I am fascinated by its history, its culture and its beauty.

We have breathtaking sunsets, amazing stars, gorgeous colors,

lovely weather, wonderful people, and super fun mountains.

And, we're close to that other country I love so much.

Happy 100th Birthday, New Mexico!

Whole Hearts

2012-01-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of Matt and Sarah Hammitt...and what God is doing through them. When Bowen was diagnosed with HLHS, they could have responded differently. Instead, they trusted Him and let Him use their story to touch the lives of countless others...including every person in my family.

Matt visited us in the hospital on the day of Jude's surgery. At the time, he didn't know that his wonderful wife was my friend from years ago...or that songs from his CD Every Falling Tear were on repeat in Jude's hospital room...and had been used by God to prepare us to love our son when we were so scared to lose him. He had simply heard that there was a family in a hospital at a stop on his band's tour...a family whose child had congenital heart defects. And, he made himself available to be used by the Lord through a visit.

The Hammitts have begun a foundation called Whole Hearts. The foundation's mission statement is to share God’s love by providing education, support, connections, and innovation for the families of a child living with pediatric congenital heart disease—without boundaries of faith, culture, or economic standing. We saw a glimpse of that through Matt's visit...and I am excited to see how the foundation grows. I thank God for how He will use Matt and Sarah to bless the families of children born with congenital heart disease. He already has done so with us...and I will forever be grateful.

1 out of every 100 children born has a congenital heart defect. Would you please pray for the Hammitts as they follow the Lord to love in very practical ways the families of these children? It is a very real need to be met. Would you please pray as well for sweet little Bowen? You can read more below.

Check out this ABC story about Matt and Sarah and Whole Hearts. It is especially cute when Bowen speaks.
Check out their new Whole Hearts website.
Check out Bowen's story.

A Boy's Mom

2012-01-05T22:17:00.002-07:00

Because I am his mom...

I get to watch him stick his tongue out when concentrating.

I get to watch his mind work while trying to figure out how to put something together.

I help build the lego sets that might be a tad too complicated for a five-year-old.

I am often asked to "play" legos...which I remain very bad at...but am trying to say "yes" to.

I loved this post: 25 Rules for Moms of Boys.

I am linking up with Emily today:

Hello Mornings

2012-01-05T00:05:00.004-07:00

I am so excited that some of you are going to join me in some of my goals. Thanks! :-) I am looking forward to the encouragement of simply doing it together. I am sure we'll all benefit.

If you want to join in on the Hello Mornings challenge but didn't register in time, join our HolaMañanas group on Facebook. The registration deadline allows them to have time to assign groups. So if you're not joining a group, it is never too late to join. Even if you have registered and will potentially be signed up for a group, I think you can still change your preferences to "I am part of a pre-planned group" through the original email Kat sent out. Feel free to invite friends if there is someone you think would like to do it with you.

The challenge doesn't start until the 16th, but I think I might start early. As evidenced by my late posts, I am a night owl. I love nights. But, I tend to love my days a lot better when I try to love mornings. :-) So, I am looking forward to this challenge to help me move more in that direction.

If you're reading the Bible chronologically, I am reworking the pdf into bookmarks to use in my Bible. Let me know if you'd like one when they're done. We are four days in, and I was already pretty far behind. I can use all the help I can get.

This little girl was so happy to see us when we got home tonight. She is lying on my arms as I type this. :-)

Upside Down Mazes

2012-01-04T00:40:00.000-07:00

Caleb really likes mazes...and he is surprisingly good at them. His latest book of mazes is a little too simple for him, so Brandon gave him the extra challenge of holding him upside down. So cute. These two entertain me all the time. Who needs movies? :-)

Tomorrow, we finish the final leg of our annual winter travels as we make the long drive home. I am really eager to get home. This week has been really difficult, and I am looking forward to routine again. I know that things are going to be difficult for a while, but at least we will be home. I like home.

Thank you for praying. Please pray for Ellie as well. We got to see her at the hospital yesterday, and it was WONDERFUL. Please pray that her EEG would reveal what they need it to. You can read more here. Thanks!

Resolutions

2012-01-03T00:58:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking quite a bit about resolutions lately. I love the idea of making them, but I am pretty awful at keeping them. Nevertheless, I am trying again this year.

In A Life of Endurance, Randy Alcorn writes about the importance of finishing well. He makes several points that have been resonating with me over this past month:

Everyday we're becoming someone -- the question is, who?
Who you will become will be the cumulative result of the daily choices you make.
You will become the product of what you choose to delight in and meditate upon.
Following Christ isn't magic. It requires repeated actions on our part, which develop into daily habits and life disciplines.
The key to spirituality is the development of little habits, such as Bible reading and memorization and prayer.

Who we become will be the cumulative result of the daily choices we make. This has been so good for me to think about as I consider setting goals for the new year. I know who I want to become. I want to be someone who someday knows Jesus much better than I do today. I want to grow in my love for Him and for others. And, I can only do that by making deliberate decisions to seek Him. And, I can only do that with His help.

So, I have set some goals:

I want to read the Bible in a year...in chronological order. I have tried it in the past, but I have never finished it. So, this year, I am joining up with Joni Eareckson Tada.
I want to memorize a small book of the Bible. I am thinking Philippians, but I am not sure yet. Ann Voskamp has a Colossians plan that I might try out.
I want to make waking up early a habit. Intentionally waking up instead of letting Caleb be my alarm clock has been so helpful in the past, and this e-book has helped me considerably. I want to participate in the Hello Mornings challenge again. I was unable to finish last time due to pregnancy-induced insomnia. Registration ends tomorrow (1.3.12).

As I look at that list and think about my record with New Year's Eve resolutions, I can easily get discouraged. But, it's not about perfection. It's about pursuing Him...the Perfect One who gave His life for all my imperfections.

Let me know if you're interested in joining me on any of these. :-)

Glory to God

2012-01-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the last night of DCC.

It was the only session that Brandon and I attended together,

and the Lord met us there.

I was unable to be at our campus time afterwards because the little boy needed to sleep.

But, I am beginning to hear amazing stories of the work of God in the lives of our students.

Thank You, Lord.

p.s. Our friends' daughter, Ellie had a really long seizure today.

They are currently in the hospital with her and are hoping to do an EEG

to determine the cause of the seizures. Please pray for them.

2011

2012-01-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, I never could have imagined what 2011 would bring. The news of a long awaited pregnancy was still fresh in our minds, and we were busy sharing our excitement with friends and family. My thoughts were filled with nursery colors, and I was already testing out baby names.

One year later, books on grief and suffering have replaced the baby name books. Instead of doctor visits, we are expecting many counseling appointments. And, instead of excitedly telling friends about our news, we are attempting to put into words the answer to the question, "How are you doing?"

Yet, throughout all that 2011 brought us, the Lord has been faithful. He has been with us every step of the way, and we know Him better now than we did in 2010. This past year...with all its pain, suffering and joy...has been a gift.

I don't know what 2012 will bring. But, I know the One who does.

And, I want to know Him better this time next year. So, I am making a few plans for the new year. I hope to share more soon, but until then...I hope you have a wonderful first day of 2012! Happy New Year!

Still thankful...

2011-12-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I thank God...

for the advice we took today to get away and spend some time together as a family.

for the opportunity to hang out with my brother and his sweet girlfriend up in the mountains.

for the bighorn sheep I spotted as we were driving.

for the beauty of the frozen water we walked through in the "ice castles" at Silverthorne.

for good conversation with my husband as we drove home.

the unbelievable, unforgettable answer to prayer today in the life of someone I love more than words can describe. Thank You, Jesus!

for this season of suffering and the work that the Lord is doing in my heart through it.

that His promises are true.

the hammer and the nail

2011-12-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

The hammer is a useful tool, but the nail, if it had feeling and intelligence could present another side of the story. For the nail knows the hammer only as an opponent, a brutal merciless enemy who lives to pound it into submission. To beat it down out of sight and clinch it into place. That is the nail's view of the hammer, and it is accurate except for one thing: The nail forgets that both it and the hammer are servants of the same workman. Let the nail but remember that the hammer is held by the workman and all resentment toward it will disappear. The carpenter decides whose head shall be beaten next and what hammer shall be used in the beating. That is his sovereign right. When the nail has surrendered to the will of the workman and has gotten a little glimpse of his benign plan for the future, it will yield to the hammer without complaint.

-A.W. Tozer
as quoted in Be Still My Soul

Denver Christmas Conference

2011-12-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight marked the beginning of Denver Christmas Conference 2011.

Each year, college students from all over the region

give five days of their Christmas vacation to gather together

in Downtown Denver for an experience unlike any other.

They are challenged in their walks with God.
They worship Him. They serve Him.

And, they leave here forever changed.

I can't believe that this is my job. :-)

Please pray for the students, the staff, and the speakers at the conference.

Please pray that we would all let the Lord move in and through us.

Thank you!

The Christmas Spirit

2011-12-27T22:58:00.001-07:00

Source: announceddesign.bigcartel.com via Amber on Pinterest

The Day After Christmas

2011-12-27T01:04:00.001-07:00

So many sweet friends have assumed that the holidays would be hard for us. While I am thankful for their thoughtfulness, I have found it to be quite the opposite. While the tears still fall daily, my heart has been filled at the same time with the incomparable hope of Jesus, the beauty of the season, and the joy of being together again with people we love very much.

Reading Come Thou Long Expected Jesus has been really good for me this year. In it, Martyn Lloyd-Jones writes that "the incarnation is the supreme example of fulfilled prophecy, the supreme example of God's faithfulness to His promises." Mary recognized this when she said, "He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be mercifulto Abraham and his descendants forever, just as he promised our ancestors (Luke 1:54-55)." God promised Abraham that through him all the nations would be blessed (Gen 12:3). He fulfilled that promise through the birth of a baby...a baby who would change everything.

Because God became a baby, I have the true hope of eternal life.
Because God became a baby, I am separated from mine only temporarily.
Because God became a baby, I know that other promises He made are true:

And we know that in all things

God works for the good of those who love him,

whohave been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5

I am making everything new.

Revelation 21:5

Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,

but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary,

but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So, instead of pain, Christmas has brought much hope. It has been the day after Christmas, however, that I have been dreading. I began thinking in early December of the day when I would have to take down the tree and put away the beautiful lights...and the thought made me a little sick to my stomach.

But, the truth is, Christmas may be over but the One we celebrate still lives.

Check out this song by Matthew West and this post by my friend, Holly.

He made himself nothing...

2011-12-23T01:59:00.000-07:00

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to death -

even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:5-7

When God became flesh, He wasn't welcomed into the world with much fanfare. Instead, the Creator began His dwelling among His created as a tiny baby born in a stable. It was a humble beginning, followed by a humble life and a humble death. And, it was that willingness to be broken...to be killed...by the ones He made that made eternal life possible for us.

And yet, I think I can live my life apart from Him. No longer do I sense that desperate need I felt in the hospital, and I no longer turn to Him for help just to make it through the day. I haven't hungered for the Word as I did before, and no longer does prayer seem as important to me as breathing.

I miss my baby. Tonight, I am really missing how much the Lord used Jude to drive me to Himself. There is so much grace in suffering. There is so much beauty in how everything peripheral and unimportant is pushed aside and we see more clearly than ever the faithfulness of our Lord and His ability to sustain us and strengthen us. Through suffering, we can see that He is who He says He is.

I need Him. Yet, in my pride, I subtly begin to think that I don't. In my comfort, I live my life as if I have everything under control...under my control. I don't want to live under that illusion. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to walk in dependence upon Him...and see His hand at work all around me.

Over the next few days, I am going to take a break from blogging and use the extra time to seek Him. I want to simply enjoy my Lord and my family as we celebrate the incarnation.

Merry Christmas!

O death, where is your victory?

2011-12-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

Our little Jude met Jesus two months ago today.

We miss him as much as ever.

Yet, we are so thankful for this sweet truth

that Brandon read at his graveside today.

I tell you this, brothers:

flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God,

nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.

Behold! I tell you a mystery.

We shall not all sleep,

but we shall all be changed, in a moment,

in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.

For the trumpet will sound,

and the dead will be raised imperishable,

and we shall be changed.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable,

and this mortal body must put on immortality.

When the perishable puts on the imperishable,

and the mortal puts on immortality,

then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
    “O death, where is your victory?
        O death, where is your sting?”
    The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God,

who gives us the victory

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

(1 Corinthians 15:50-57 ESV)

p.s. Thanks so much to whomever left the wreath. It looks beautiful. :-)

Thankful

2011-12-21T01:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I am thankful for friendships that began about a decade ago

and continue just as strong as ever.

I am thankful for friendships that began at birth

with friends who say things like,

"Someday...when we are married...we will live with my mom and dad."

"No, we will live with mine."

"No, mine."

I am thankful for Purdue basketball games and quality time spent with my Dad...

And, I am thankful for the wonder in a little boy's eyes while seeing Christmas lights.

I am thankful as well for...

late night movie runs to Wal Mart with my Dad,

leftover sausage and egg casserole made by Mom,

and a visit tomorrow to a little grave in a small town cemetery.

The Nursery in the PICU

2011-12-19T23:03:00.003-07:00

( Collage Credit )

Sharing photos from Jude's little home last night,

I realized that I still had yet to share photos from that hospital room

that became his nursery.

So, from the top clockwise...

I used poster putty to hang all the cards that so many of you sent us.

They encouraged us every day.

And, they looked really pretty too.

On a sliding glass door, I made a large tree out of paper circles and photos for Jude.

The pinterest inspiration can be found here.

At some point, Brandon brought up a wire frame I had made this summer.
We hung it on the wall with 3M removable adhesive, and it made things feel more homelike.

The pinterest tutorial can be found here.

I happened to have these little metal letters when we arrived in Albuquerque,

and they adorned first his NICU bed and then the top of the fridge in his room.

As I mentioned before, Chrissy and Katie brought me scrapbook supplies to make a mobile for Jude.

Thanks, friends! That was so thoughtful. I ended up making much more than just the mobile. :-)

Here is the tutorial for the paper globes.

My beautiful friend, Tasha, sent us a really sweet package that included these alphabet flash cards.

I used poster putty to put them on a post at the head of his bead...in case anyone forgot his name.

They were very cute! Thanks so much, Tasha!

I also made a little banner and hung it up around Jude's ceiling to bring a little color in.

The inspiration can be found here.

It was a huge blessing to have the freedom to make Jude's little room our own.

We loved Room #2 of the PICU on the 6th floor of Presbyterian Hospital...

as well as the staff who came in and out all day long and throughout the night.

Thanks, friends.

p.s. Today was the birthday of a good friend of mine, Holly. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, friend!
p.s.s. Make sure you google "Let it Snow." :-)

A Hospital Visit

2011-12-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

Today, we visited our little baby's home.

We got to see some of the people who loved and cared for our baby each day...

and whom we grew to love as well.

It was sooooo good to see so many friends.

We even had breakfast with one of them. Thanks, Sara! :-)

It was healing...and just really, really fun.

There are still plenty who weren't there,

and so we hope to stop in again sometime in the near future.

Jude's room was empty, so we were able to spend sweet time in there.

Caleb got to see a helicopter land outside the window,

and we were able to just spend time walking around and remembering.

We even found a little bit of poster putty

left on the ceiling from something I had hung for Jude.

It was a sweet little reminder that we were there.

We were definitely there.

Thank you, Lord, for the sweet time in Albuquerque...

and for the little boy you placed there for 67 days.

And, thanks so much if you prayed for this trip.

I had somehow left unpublished last night's (Saturday) post,

so there are now two. :-)

Albuquerque

2011-12-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

The first two days of Jude's life were incredibly traumatic for us. I will never forget feeling imprisoned by the C-section as the doctors gave me a split second glance at my newborn baby boy in distress before he was rushed to the NICU. I will never forget the next day as we were sitting on my hospital bed as the images from the MRI results were handed to us. I will never forget sitting on the ambulance dock in my wheelchair as the ambulance drove away carrying my husband and my baby...unsure if he would even make it through the transport.

All these events occurred in a large hospital that is situated along an interstate we drive regularly. If Jude had died on that second day of life, our memories of that hospital would have remained predominantly traumatic. I would have dreaded seeing that large hospital each time we came upon it. I think I would have strongly disliked Albuquerque. Instead, our baby lived, and the city became his home. He lived, and he opened his eyes, and he gave us so many sweet, sweet moments. And, he received many, many kisses in return. :-)

So, we look at that hospital very differently now.

A few weeks ago, I shared in this post that we were returning to Albuquerque to visit the staff we loved so much at Presbyterian. We had planned to leave the day after Thanksgiving. It didn't happen. The idea of returning to the hospital weighed so heavily on me that I felt sick to my stomach all that holiday. I decided I wasn't ready. So, we headed south instead and bought Jude's chest.

But, tonight we came back. We are here only briefly as we travel up north, but we are heading over to the hospital in the morning...after grabbing breakfast with one of our wonderful nurses. Would you please pray for us as tomorrow we return to the place of his birth, life, and death? Please pray that the Lord would draw us near to Him as we visit the place and people so connected to our little guy.

As we drove by tonight, this verse came to mind:

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

To save a baby...

2011-12-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

When we found out five months into pregnancy that our baby boy had Down Syndrome, it was my hope that this blog would become something used by God to show women what a blessing a child with Down Syndrome can become to a family.

While I haven't written much about this because of the intense pain I feel when I hear this statistic, the reality is that 92% of babies with Down Syndrome are aborted. Ninety-two percent! Of every ten children with the extra 21st chromosome, only one survives the womb.

It was my dream that my baby's life would save the life of another sweet little baby.

It still is.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine called me to ask if she could use three photos I took of Jude. She wanted to place them in the ultrasound room of a clinic that provides resources to pregnant women in the hopes of preventing abortions, Turning Point. The hope is that when a parent sees a photo of a baby's foot or little fingers, they might choose to let their child live.

Would you please pray that the Lord would use these photos to save the lives of babies? I am so grateful for that possibility.

And, would you please pray for Turning Point? If you are local, they are looking for financial donations as well as practical baby items to bless the new mommies.

p.s.

When they were training the wonderful staff

on their new ultrasound machine,

they used me and Jude as practice. :-)

I got to look at my baby for a really long time. Here is a video they recorded for us.

I used to put it on loop and

just watch it over and over again...

our sweet little peanut.

A Continual Passion

2011-12-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

The whole of Christ's life was a continual passion;

others die martyrs,

but Christ was born a martyr.

He found a Golgotha, where he was crucified,

even in Bethlehem, where he was born;

for to his tenderness then the straws were almost as sharp as the thorns after,

and the manger as uneasy at first as the cross at last.

His birth and his death were but one continual act,

and his Christmas Day and his Good Friday

are but the evening and the morning

of one and the same day.

From the créche to the cross is an inseperable line.

Christmas only points forward to Good Friday and Easter.

It can have no meaning apart from that,

where the Son of God displayed his glory by his death.

John Donne

The Book of Uncommon Prayers

This kid...

2011-12-15T03:34:00.002-07:00

has sweet freckles on his nose.

has really great rhythm.

loves to draw rockets.

can play with Legos forever.

loves wrestling with Daddy.

makes really silly faces.

is shy at first at school.

becomes very social very quickly.

loves making tracks and ramps.

loves laughing at his silly Daddy.

gets songs in his head easily.

gets stomach aches from milk.

is still missing his baby brother.

makes us laugh all the time.

has an eye that still bothers him.

loves yogurt with granola.

is incredibly enjoyable.

really misses his cousins.

wants to be "a police" someday.

often pretends to be the bad guy.

is very persuasive.

has beautiful blue eyes.

is enjoying dressing himself.

asks really good questions.

is growing up too fast.

is ready to start learning to read.

has very hard to manage hair.

is an unbelievable gift from God.

God is for me...

2011-12-14T02:57:00.001-07:00

He cares.

He showed me so by leading me to this verse tonight.

Better yet, He showed me so by sending His Son to die that I might live.

If ever I doubt His care for me, I need only look at the cross.

Thank You, Jesus.

Thank You so very much.

Cookies

2011-12-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

Caleb and I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately.

He has really been enjoying the activities we have been doing with our books.

We have made gingerbread houses, snowman ornaments,

walked among luminarias, and played in real snow.

Today, we baked and decorated cookies.

We still hope to make snow globes and snow playdough...

as well as a few Christmas cards.

We'll see.

As we rapidly pass through December,

it has been good to be busy.

Yet, I have been struggling more.

I don't really understand what is going on.

Tomorrow, we are going to see a counselor and trusted friend.

Thank you for praying for us.

p.s. Andrea had her surgery today.

Please pray for her healing and

trust, strength, and peace for everyone close to her.

Thanks.

:-)

Light

2011-12-11T23:33:00.001-07:00

Click here to hear a sermon

my husband wanted to share.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Justin

2011-12-11T02:19:00.001-07:00

Meet Justin.

He was born two months before Jude,

and he was born with both Down Syndrome and congenital heart defects.

He is Ukrainian and is waiting to be adopted.

Some friends of ours found him on the website of Reece's Rainbow,

and they have given money to help make it easier for a family to someday adopt him.

Because of their donation, they were sent an ornament with his photo on it.

And, they gave it to us.

This sweet little face will now adorn our Christmas tree each year.

Would you please pray that the Lord would bless him with a family soon?

And, if you and your family is interested in giving more this Christmas,

consider giving to help a family bring this little guy home.

I love the motto of Reece's Rainbow:

Because every family deserves the blessing of a child with Down Syndrome.

Andrea

2011-12-09T21:52:00.001-07:00

In her recovery after the stage collapse, my cousin, Andrea, recently had a large portion of her skull replaced. There have been some complications, however, and the flap will be removed on Monday and a new one won't be put in for at least a few more months. Would you please pray for her? And for her husband, daughter, parents, brother and sister-in-law?

Below, I have copied the facebook update from her dad, Steve. As you might notice, so much of this feels very familiar. Thank you for praying.

Friends,

I had hoped that my my next post about my daughter, Andrea, would be next Monday upon my return from visiting her at her rehabilitation facility in Michigan. Unfortunately, events subsequent to my last post have altered those plans, and I feel a need to share our current circumstance.

For the last couple of weeks and since her surgery November 8th, Andrea has been "leaking" a fluid from her head wound near the back of her head. Originally, we believed it was nothing serious, but was it obviously a cause for concern. After keeping the situation under observation a few days, it was decided that it was ok to move Andrea to the Michigan facility from Indianapolis, which we did last Thursday.

The leaking continued. The order was given to put a stitch in her head at the site of the leakage, and that was accomplished last weekend in Ann Arbor. For a day or two, the leaking stopped. Then it began again, and Andrea's neuro-surgeon ordered her to be returned to Indianapolis to be examined and for tests. Mike, her husband, drove her back yesterday, and they arrived last evening at Methodist in Indianapolis.

This morning we learned what we had feared above all: Andrea's skull flap, which had been replaced in surgery November 8th, did not completely seal, and it will have to be replaced. She is scheduled for surgery Monday at Methodist. Her skull flap will be removed, and, much to our dismay, will remain removed for two months. She will be required to wear the helmet that she thought she was finished with, and will probably be required to slow down her rehab somewhat. For instance, she had been scheduled to do treadmill workouts, actually running!!!, but will not be allowed that luxury now until the skull flap is replaced in two months.

You've no doubt already guessed at my reason for this post: My family and I are asking for your prayers for a peaceful, stress-less weekend for Andrea, a successful surgery on Monday with no problems or complications, and a rapid, painless recovery for Andrea from this most recent surgery. We ask a lot. We HAVE asked a lot, and YOU have responded. Andrea is recovered to this point partly by virtue of her exceptional medical-care teams at her various facilities, but MOSTLY BY YOUR PRAYERS. We will be forever in your debt for what you have done for us to this point in Andrea's marathon. We are coming to you again because we are not across the finish line yet. We ask YOU in humility and hope. We ask HIM in confidence and assuredness that His will, which is always in all ways for the best. Please join us in petitioning Him For The Love Of Andrea. God bless you all this weekend and in this most wonderful of all holiday seasons.
Our Saviour was born and HE LIVES!!

Steve Voss

Thoughts on Christmas

2011-12-09T03:31:00.001-07:00

My friend, Tasha, shared this on her blog, and everyone...I mean, everyone...needs to see it. Scroll to the bottom to turn off my music. :-)

And, my friend, Debbie, shared a link to this post on Christmas by Ann Voskamp. She is the one who wrote the book One Thousand Gifts that God has used so much in my life. Please take a minute to read it. And while you're there, check out this little story about a family that truly understands what is important.

The Simple Things

2011-12-08T02:02:00.001-07:00

This is what our lawn looked like the morning after our first snowfall.

Tonight I am thankful for...

friends who made gingerbread houses with us today and others who played games with us tonight.

the video I just watched of Jude trying to play with his toy.

the deep, rhythmic breathing I listened to as I checked in on my sleeping little boy.

a friend who brought an amazing dinner to us.

the snow that forced our six huge trees to give up all of their leaves.

the light that has flooded our house as a result.

burst pipes that remind me what a blessing running water is.

a warm home, warm clothing, clean water, good food and a loving family.

I am blessed.

Lego Guys and Christmas Trees

2011-12-06T22:12:00.001-07:00

Today, Caleb wanted to show me the Lego guys he had made for Jude.

So, he pulled them out of Jude's stocking, and we looked at them together.
He's quite proud of them.

Every day, we have conversations.

Conversations about Jude...about Jesus...and about Heaven.

Today, as Caleb was sitting in the chair that I had rocked him in as a baby...

the chair that I had hoped would be Jude's as well,

he asked me, "Mommy, why did I 'chose' to go to my cousins'?

I didn't get to be with my baby brother much."

We sat there...being sad together.

We talked about the plans that God has for us...for him...for Jude.

And, we talked about the hope of Heaven.

Caleb then said, "He's the first one in our family who gets to see it."

"It will be so cool."

"There will be two Christmas trees for every person!!"

Not sure where the tree thought came from, but I love his heart.

In one of the little books I read about children and grieving,

they said that children Caleb's age won't remember much of what happens during this time.

The important thing is that in the midst of all the questions and confusion...

they have an overall sense that they are loved.

We want to love him well.

As we look back over the decisions we made,

we are so thankful for the Lord's guidance with Caleb.

We see His hand guiding him to Illinois, where he was loved and cared for so well.

And, we see His hand guiding us to leave soon after returning home and spend tons of money

so that we could be the ones to tell him about his brother.

We are thankful for both of the decisions we made.
And, we are thankful that He promises wisdom to all who ask for it (James 1:5).
He is faithful to all His promises.

Thank you so much for praying for us.

In many ways, because of you we will look back upon this time

with a very clear sense that we were loved.

Snow

2011-12-06T00:48:00.001-07:00

It snowed here today.

Real snow.
In the desert.

And, it didn't stop after a few minutes.

It snowed ALL DAY.

Caleb and I went for a walk in it.

Then Daddy came home for lunch, and they played on the swing.

And, Brandon built a fire.

When it really started to stick,

Caleb and I headed outside again for a snowball fight

and several unsuccessful attempts at a snowman.

Now, Caleb has a snow day tomorrow.

No school.

Hopefully, instead we will enjoy the snow again...

unless the leaves all fall by morning.

Things are a little mixed up here.

:-)

Beauty All Around

2011-12-04T22:39:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day.
We loved being together with our church family this morning.

Then , Caleb and I spent lots of good time together making these out of sweaters.

I didn't get a picture of the spaceships and Millie toys that he made,

but we were both thoroughly entertained. :-)

Then, Brandon came home and took over dinner so I could go see this:

Finally, we met up with good friends on campus to walk through the luminarias.

I am so thankful to be surrounded by so much beauty...
beauty reflected in the faces of people we love...
in mountains covered in snow for the first time...
in glowing paper bags on a brisk night...
in a laughing, creative, and mischievous little boy...
and in a husband who knows me so well.

Thank You, Lord.

A Stocking for Jude

2011-12-03T22:35:00.001-07:00

Caleb made a little stocking for Jude today.

It was his idea.

He is a really sweet brother...

and he often makes Lego "guys,"

ornaments, and drawings for him as well.

Being around Caleb has been so good for healing.

We laugh a lot, and we have fun together.

Yet, he reminds me in many ways of what we have lost...

what he has lost.

The Lord is good, and we know we can trust Him.

It is just easier some times more than others.

Thank you for praying for us.

We continue to need Him just as much as ever.

25 Days of Books

2011-12-02T22:27:00.001-07:00

I finally got around to wrapping the rest of the books today. We love this new tradition, and it is really the first time I have read to Caleb in the six weeks since Jude died. It was too hard after having spent so much time reading with our baby boy. So, this has been good for me.

I have wanted to incorporate some kind of list of fun Christmastime activities to do with Caleb...kind of like our summertime bucket list. But, I want to keep things simple. So, this year I just wrote the name of each wrapped book on its back along with an idea or two to do if we feel up to it. This way, I am not committed, and we can do what we feel like that day.

Aside from the one I shared yesterday, below is the list of our books...along with the activities.
I would love to hear any recommendations for new ones. :-)

Jacob's Gift - "Whenever you give a gift to one of God's children, you give a gift to God."
The Tomten Make a snow globe.
A Very Good Snowman Make a snowman (real or with a hot glue gun).
The Crippled Lamb Help someone who is physically disabled. Or, serve someone in the hospital.
Merry Christmas, Little Mouse Give cookies to friends.
A Christmas Treasury Make Christmas cards with pastels.
Frosty the Snowman Learn and sing Christmas songs.
The Tale of Three Trees Do a woodcraft together.
Corduroy's Christmas Surprise Create our first gingerbread house.
Claude the Christmas Dog Gather together a donation box of things we don't need for those who do.
Mr. Willoughby's Christmas Tree Make a Christmas tree craft together.
The Farolitos of Christmas Attend the luminaria event on campus...and make our own.
My Christmas Stocking Make a stocking by lacing together punched holes in fabric or paper.

Baboushka I forgot to look at this one before wrapping it. Don't know yet. :-)

A Christmas Gift for Mama Make a really special gift for someone together.
Clopper and the Night Travelers Attend a "Walk Thru Bethlehem" event at a church.
A Snowy Day Make snow playdough, and play a guessing game by making tracks in the "snow."
The Snowman Make Christmas cards with pastels or colored pencils and glitter.
T'was the Night Before Christmas Attempt to write a poem together.
Alabaster's Song Make an angel craft.
Six Snowy Sheep Act out the different activities.
Geraldine's Big Snow Drink hot chocolate after (hopefully) enjoying snow outside.
White Snow Bright Snow Make Christmas cards on black paper with white paint or pastels.
Dick and Jane: A Christmas Story Bake and decorate cookies together.
Picture Me Under the Christmas Tree Do something silly with photos...such as Elf Yourself.
Santa's Favorite Story Paint with watercolors...possibly Christmas cards.

p.s. Amy Faith, would you be willing to give me your email address? :-)

The Jesse Tree...and other Advent Traditions

2011-12-02T00:58:00.001-07:00

For two years now, I have wanted to make a set of felt Advent ornaments for my little family. So, when we learned about the Jesse Tree through my wonderful sister-in-law, Christine, I began to dream of making my own set of ornaments to go along with this book that she gave us. Originally, I had wanted to make this beautiful advent calendar, but I lacked both time and felt. So, I began instead to just concentrate on the ornaments this year...and hang them on some branches on our kitchen table.

I began on Thanksgiving night, and I have stayed up late several nights working on them. At this point, I have all but the last five ornaments (including Jesus in a manger which seems rather daunting to me). Last night, I decided I needed something to put them in so I sewed some little pockets with numbers on them and strung them up into a garland. And, the pockets are more portable and therefore better for Christmas travel.

This is really my first time playing with wool felt, and I have loved it. I found mine from here and here. It is beautiful and so easy and fun to work with. And, with freezer paper, the possibilities are endless. I used the freezer paper to make the Day 1 earth ornament above as well as the numbers for the pockets. It is really easy...and I am having fun with it.

Speaking of fun, Caleb is also loving this Lego Advent Calendar our friends Phil and Liz sent us. Thanks so much, friends. :-) He wanted to sleep with his new Lego guy.

Last year, we began the tradition of wrapping 25 children's books about Christmas. I loved the idea, so I gathered all the books about Christmas that I could find in our house and bought the rest at our local used book store. Each year, we will buy a new one to replace the less wonderful ones. The new one will be special...to be opened the first night of December. This year, I chose Song of the Stars by Sally Lloyd-Jones. I love it. It isn't too often that I find myself worshiping the Lord while reading a picture book. :-)

I am praying that this Christmas season will be one in which our hearts are filled with love and worship of the One born that night in a stable...not the noise that our culture has made of it. I want to celebrate Him, love people, and simply enjoy my family. What does your family do to celebrate Advent?

The Advent Season

2011-12-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, December begins.
Christmas is more important to me than ever...
as I better get to know the One whose birth we celebrate. Yet, it is so easy to get distracted by all that our culture has turned Christmas into. I so want to focus my heart on His.

So, I am planning on reading this book:

And, I am really looking forward to reading this one:

And as a family, we are doing a Jesse Tree again this year. So...after (almost) finishing my advent calendar and Jesse tree ornaments, this is what my desk looks like...and the floor...and Brandon's desk...and I am leaving it that way tonight. :-)

I will write more about the Jesse Tree tomorrow, but if you want to learn more, check this site out.

Jude's Chest

2011-11-29T22:20:00.001-07:00

On Black Friday, we did our little part to help boost the economy. A little before dinner time, we ventured out to make a purchase we had been planning for a while. Our intention had been to buy a trunk...a nice piece of furniture in which we could store Jude's things. We found what we had been looking for...only better. We bought a pretty chest with a padded seat that can be used as a bench. Now, I just need to find the right fabric to reupholster the seat.

In this chest, we can store Jude's stuffed animals and blankets...as well as keep in one place all the cards we received, the newspapers, the books, and anything else we would like to access easily. There are so many meaningful things that we want to keep out...yet safe. And, on that bench in the corner of our bedroom, we can spend time reading, praying, thinking, or even just remembering. We have so many sweet memories, and I am glad for a physical place to keep them all together.

A Sacrifice of Praise

2011-11-29T00:37:00.001-07:00

In the weeks following October 21st, we were told often by friends that the hardest times were yet to come. They were right. Absolutely everything...often unexpected...brings Jude to mind, if I somehow wasn't thinking of him already. The scale (because his weight was such an issue)...picking up a book I read in the hospital...working on our finances...finding his insurance card in my wallet while paying for something...Baby's First Christmas ornaments, clothes, etc. in stores...his room that we haven't touched...the pregnancy and baby name books still beside my bed...Caleb's toes...the stocking that will never be made...etc.

So often, I am brought to the point of tears, and I still have much to learn about what it means to praise God through suffering. Again and again throughout the day, He is gently helping me to learn... to see that to offer up praise to Him when my heart is broken and I can't see past the current circumstances is to offer up a sacrifice. A sacrifice of praise. And, when I do praise Him, I am blessed by that sacrifice. It fixes my eyes not on my circumstances but on His character. It changes my perspective.

At some point during our hospital stay, I read the following...and it encouraged me.

Whether it's a financial crunch, a sudden illness, or a personal defeat, if you fix your heart on praise to God, then you have offered a sacrifice. If you've ever cried during those heartbreaking difficulties, "Lord, I will hope in You and praise You more and more," then you know you have offered words that have cost you plenty. Praise in those circumstances is painful...

I've been told that the Hebrew word for "awaiting" means "quiet trust." Those words don't sparkle like effervescence. It's like saying I have prayed about this burden, and now, Lord, I will quietly wait on You even before I see the answer. I expect it. And this is my sacrifice of praise to You - I believe and trust."

Please remember this: Most of the verses written about praise in God's word were voiced by people faced by crushing heartache, injustice, treachery, slander, and scores of other difficult situations. They knew that the sacrifice of praise was a key to victory on their spiritual journey.

Joni Eareckson Tada - Seeking God

Thank you so much for praying for us.

p.s.
Isn't this beautiful? I am now a huge fan of the illustrator, Amanda. As an atheist, she started a blog called Amanda Goes to Church: An Athiest's Assorted Explorations of Christianity. After making a decision to follow Christ, she started a new blog: Amanda Stays at Church: A Former Atheist's Assorted Explorations of Christianity. She came to faith at Tim Keller's church in NYC. Her illustrated testimony can be found on Redeemer's website. It is all good stuff. Check it out.

p.s.s.
I agree wholeheartedly about how awesome Holly is. I forgot to link to her blog in last night's post. She blogs a lot about gospel-centered motherhood. Find her here.

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

2011-11-28T02:03:00.000-07:00

My dear, sweet friend, Holly, wrote this and posted it on her blog tonight.
I love you, Holly. Thank you.

Dear Jude,

You don't know this, but you changed me forever. Your sweet little life had many lessons to teach, and I am your pupil. Some of them I knew already in theory, and you helped me to grasp their truths more firmly. But God also used you to open my eyes to things I never realized before. I'm so grateful to have been part of your life... so honored to have known you.

Your mommy is one of my closest friends. Four days after you left the world, our baby Aidalie came into it... and although we rejoiced and celebrated her, we were mourning our loss of you. We still are. We will miss you until we see you again. But we know that while we have lost you, you have gained everything, and that quiets our distress. There is so much hope in knowing that right now you are unshackled from the chains of your broken body, and you are more alive and more complete now than you ever were before. You are, in this moment, fully and truly Jude.

Being myself a mommy, I know all too well that we are led into some of the most profound realizations by our children. Although you never uttered a single sound, here are some of the things your life spoke to me.

1. The gospel is true. As I watched your mommy and daddy go through what they did, I often found myself surprised at the quality of their well-being. But when I reflected on this I realized that it should be no surprise at all, because the object of their faith (Jesus) is real. Their faith in Him is seeing them through even the toughest days without you. How wonderful to witness at work the living hope they have in Jesus. It is this same Jesus we hope in to give us freedom from sin and righteousness before God. It's the gospel... and it works.

2. God loves me. I saw this in your mommy's eyes every time she would look at you. Her face was flooded with affection. She looked at you and was so proud that you were her little child. The world may not have esteemed you or counted you as important, but you were because of this love. I, too, am no one special. I am also very broken. Your heart was frail, but my heart is broken in a different way, a way that is my own doing and my own fault. But my Father loves me anyway. He looks at me with delight. It's His love that makes me valuable when otherwise I wouldn't be.

3. We are all "terminal." Our life is a vapor that comes and quickly vanishes. The vapor of some may linger slightly longer than others, but when viewed in light of eternity, our lives are so very short. We don't like to think or talk about death much in our culture. But we would do well to remember this little detail of our destiny, and allow it to shape the way we live now.

4. My children belong to Him, and to Him they will return. Jude, your mommy and daddy loved you fiercely... but you weren't theirs. In the same way that they had to (and continue to) surrender you up to your true Father, so does every parent. So do I. My children were never meant to belong to me. I know I can't keep them. They were meant to be offered up as a sacrifice of highest price to the Lord. So, I should not make them the center of my identity or the source of my greatest joy. Someday, they will leave me in one way or another. But Jesus promises never to.

5. I should view the challenges of parenting through the lens of eternity. Sometimes, Aidalie wakes me up several times per night. My middle child screams and cries for a total of 5 combined hours per day... or more. My oldest child leaves behind him a trail of destruction everywhere he goes. It is tempting to feel resentful toward my children moments like these. But, Jude, you have shown what a gift they are. You have reminded me not to take even the struggles of raising my children for granted. Thank you for helping me love and appreciate my babies more, even in the tougher moments.

Jude, you were just a baby... but you helped draw the hearts of many to the One who came as a baby 2,000 years ago- Jesus.

You were born with the burden of a fallen humanity on your shoulders. Jesus was born because of this fallen humanity- and He willingly took the burden upon Himself.

It is said that the greatest emotional pain we can possibly know is to lose a child. Your mommy and daddy felt this immense sadness at your passing. But God the Father gave His only Son freely; it was actually His plan to do so! And, His sorrow was infinitely greater. (How deep is His love for us!)

Many peoples' lives have been changed because of you, precious baby boy. God is wise to have used the life and death of a beloved child to reveal some profound truths. But there is One greater who changes us so much more.

Isaiah 11:6-10 says:

"The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,
and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;
and a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze;
their young shall lie down together;
and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra,
and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den.

They shall not hurt or destroy
in all my holy mountain;
for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord
as the waters cover the sea.

In that day the root of Jesse, who shall stand as a signal for the peoples—
of him shall the nations inquire, and his resting place shall be glorious."

The "little child" who truly changes our lives is Jesus. And one day, He will lead all those who belong to Him into world where babies no longer die. Humanity will be restored to the way it was always supposed to be. Even nature will be healed- calf and lion, cow and bear will lie down together. Your heart will not be broken there, Jude, and neither will mine. It will be glorious indeed.

Until then... our family misses you every day.

Love,
Holly

Because of Christmas...

2011-11-27T02:16:00.001-07:00

Today, we decorated our Christmas tree...

marking the start of my favorite time of the year.

Yet this one has new meaning.

I have never before been so thankful that God became a baby.

Tonight, I witnessed the beautiful baptism of a sweet new friend.

Mayra made a decision to follow Christ this semester...on her birthday.

Because of Christmas,

Mayra can have new life.

And, because of Christmas,

that sweet little baby I am missing so much

is very much alive.

Thank You, Jesus.

Thank You so very much.

Something Beyond Ourselves

2011-11-25T23:59:00.001-07:00

"Loss forces us to see the dominant role our environment plays in determining our happiness. Loss strips us of the props we rely on for our well-being. It knocks us off our feet and puts us on our backs. In the experience of loss, we come to the end of ourselves.

But in coming to the end of ourselves, we can also come to the beginning of a vital relationship with God. Our failures can lead us to grace and to profound spiritual awakening. This process occurs frequently with those who suffer loss. It often begins when we face our own weaknesses and realize how much we take favorable circumstances for granted. When loss deprives us of those circumstances, our anger, depression, and ingratitude expose the true state of our souls, showing us how small we really are. We see that our identity is largely external, not internal.

Finally, we reach the point where we begin to search for a new life, one that depends less on circumstances and more on the depth of our souls. That, in turn, opens us up to new ideas and perspectives, including spiritual ones. We feel the need for something beyond ourselves, and it begins to dawn on us that reality may be more than we once thought it to be. We begin to perceive hints of the divine, and our longing grows. To our shock and bewilderment, we discover that there is a Being in the universe, who despite our brokenness and sin, loves us fiercely. In coming to the end of ourselves, we have come to the beginning of our true and deepest selves. We have found the One whose love gives shape to our being."

Jerry Sittser
A Grace Disguised

Give Thanks

2011-11-25T06:09:00.001-07:00

(In our home: Thanksgiving week = OCC)

A Grace Disguised

2011-11-23T22:07:00.001-07:00

"The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.

...I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea what that would mean (p. 42)"

Jerry Sittser A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss

I started reading this book tonight. After having read only a fourth of it, I already know that it is a book that will be shared often. In it, he writes of his grieving process: "The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us. Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul. But then again, so did light (p. 45)."

As of now, we are planning on driving to Albuquerque later this week. There are people we need to see, and we feel the need to go. It is where our baby lived, and because of that there are so many sweet memories mixed in with the sad. Visiting that city and taking Caleb along with us will be part of our healing process...part of our "plunging into the darkness..." that we might someday reach the sunrise.

Thank you for praying for us.

This new story on my beautiful cousin, Andrea, aired last night in Indiana. Andrea's smile and story reflect the beauty and goodness of the Lord, and I highly encourage you to watch it. Please pray for her, Mike (her husband), Lydia (her daughter), and Steve and Sandi (her parents) as she transitions to a longer term rehab hospital in Michigan.

Thank you.

Operation Christmas Child

2011-11-22T23:41:00.001-07:00

National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child ended on Monday. It is such a blessing to fill a shoebox with toys, candy, toothbrushes and even clothes. Each individual box goes to a specific child, and it is exciting to think that each of those children will experience the love of God in a very practical way. In addition, each box contains the gospel in a format specifically suited to children...with the opportunity for discipleship available if needed.

Caleb and I volunteered a few times throughout the week. Our church is the local collection center, and over 7,000 boxes went up to the nearest processing center from our area. What an incredible blessing to be a part of this!

If you are interested in filling a shoebox but didn't have time to get one out, you can still build a box online! You can choose the items you would like to be sent out in a box, as well as upload a photo and a note from you or your family. To learn more, visit Samaritan's Purse. To see the article in today's paper, visit The LC Sun-News.

Grief and Hope...one month later

2011-11-21T21:11:00.001-07:00

Tonight marks one month since our beautiful baby went home...and the days since we have been back have been rather difficult. Thank you for praying for us.

While trying to go about a "normal" life, I have felt anything but. My heart continues to ache for my little boy. At times I have felt like doing nothing but crying...or sleeping. And, I have indulged often. Other times, I have felt immobilized, unable to do something simple such as helping my son get to bed or clear the table. I have even forgotten to make Caleb breakfast...and then lunch. Thankfully, he lets me know when he gets hungry.

And somehow, I think it's okay. I think it's okay that Candy Land and bean bags are spread throughout our living room. And, I think it's okay that beds don't get made and dishes don't get washed.* And, I still think it's okay that I might go days without even looking at my phone. That will hopefully change soon. Thanks, friends, for continuing to be gracious towards me.

This is all temporary. I know that. Someday we will get into some kind of rhythm again. It might even be soon. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that we really don't ever want to be normal again.

To be normal was to think too much of this world. To be normal was to desire too much the things of this world...things that would never satisfy. And, to be normal was to act at times as if this were all there were...forgetting what and who awaits.

I don't want to be normal.  

And, thankfully, our grieving isn't normal either. We don't grieve as those who have no hope (1 Thess 4:18). Somehow, there is joy all mixed up with our sadness. And, there is such hope. Great hope. Beautiful hope. And, we continue to pray that the life of our little boy will lead others to the One in whom that hope is found. If you don't know Him, check out this great resource as well as this one. Please.

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep,

that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again,

even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive,

who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.

For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command,

with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God.

And the dead in Christ will rise first.

Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them

in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air,

and so we will always be with the Lord.

Therefore encourage one another with these words.

(1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV)

*Thought I'd add that my wonderful husband has regularly been doing the dishes...and cooking. :-) So thankful for him.

The Sun-News Story

2011-11-20T22:17:00.001-07:00

Diana Alba of the Las Cruces Sun-News wrote a story about our precious little guy. It appeared on the front page of today's paper. You can find the article here.

Thank you, Diana.

Today was a difficult day. I hope to share more about how we are doing and what I am processing sometime soon. In the meantime, we continue to need prayer. And, we remain grateful to the Lord for your prayers.

Teach me your way, LORD,

that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;

Psalm 86:11-13

The End of Down Syndrome?

2011-11-20T01:40:00.001-07:00

My friend, Holly, shared both of these articles on Down Syndrome. The first one discusses a new test that will probably increase the number of children with Down Syndrome who are aborted. Already, 90% of children with DS aren't allowed to live. With this new test, that number will increase still more. It's horrifying.

The second article is a blog post by the man in this video I posted about a while back, John Knight. His post considers the possibility of this test actually having the opposite effect and leading people to see all life as a beautiful gift...and even "breaking the back of the abortion industry." It seems impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. Please pray.

Article 1: The End of Down Syndrome
Article 2: Crazy Thought...but what if?

Jude's Service

2011-11-18T19:40:00.001-07:00

Tonight marks four weeks since our sweet little man left our arms to be with the One who made him.

Three weeks ago, we had a service in Las Cruces to celebrate his short life, and our incredibly talented friend, Nick, recorded it. We are so thankful to have this video to keep...along with all of the other sweet memories of our baby boy's life. Thanks so much, Nick, for sharing your skills with us. :-) And, thanks so much to all of you who came as well as to those of you who were praying for us throughout.

Brandon put together the minutes for the video for those who might be interested in watching some but don't have an hour to spare.

0:00:25    Welcome - Mark Olson

0:02:40    Caleb and his cousins sing Mighty to Save

0:05:20    Pastor John and Mary Lou Powell speak

0:24:55    Singing Christ the Solid Rock and Jesus Paid it All

0:31:50    Jude's video

0:37:10    Brandon speaks

0:52:40    Family members and friends share about Jude's impact

1:01:30    Mandy shares

1:04:05    A few more people share

1:07:05    Jude's Song

First Day

2011-11-18T00:55:00.001-07:00

Caleb had his first day of school today.

A few months late

is better than never. :-)

He jumped back in

as if he had never left.

He loves his friends there,

and I love the teachers and the moms.

So, it works out well for both of us.

Millie

2011-11-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

This is Brandon tonight.

When we returned to Las Cruces, Mandy noticed a raw area under our cat Millie's chin. Mandy took her to the vet yesterday with Caleb. It's feline acne and she may have gotten it from her plastic food and water bowls.

The process of giving Millie oral antibiotics has been dreadful. She hates it! We hold her down, pry her mouth open, attempt to get the pill into her mouth, then squeeze it shut. We fail over and over again while Millie gets more and more agitated. She's making lots of crazy noises we've never heard before too.

It's made me think of the pain and suffering we are enduring and we all endure. Right now, Millie doesn't understand at all why we are doing this. We know, but she cannot understand. She probably never will make the connection.

What's been interesting about the process is that Millie is much more submissive while we've held her than I thought she would be. She hasn't tried to bite or scratch us. She does indeed hate it, but we can tell that she trusts us. Mandy speaks words of love to Millie over and over. It's amazing to see Millie become calm as Mandy talks to her.

Now, what about us?

We can submit to our God who at times sends us pain, or we can fight. We can lash out at Him with bitterness or we can cry out to Him for help and grace. Obviously we all dislike the painful things we go through, but we can, at the same time, trust Him as good and in control.

Most of all we must seek to hear His voice that says over and over, "I'm here. I love you. I do care. Keep trusting Me."

Jesus, I pray that You would help me/us submit to You right in the middle of our pain and sorrow. Help us slow down enough to hear You say, "I do love you. Look at the cross and never forget how far I've gone to show you My love."

"...though now for a little while

you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—

of greater worth than gold,

which perishes even though refined by fire—

may result in praise, glory and honor

when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen him, you love him;

and even though you do not see him now,

you believe in him and

are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..." 

1 Peter 1:6b-8

Here's a little something from Mandy...

Operation Christmas Child National Collection Week is this week!

Consider packing a shoebox to show the love of Jesus to a child somewhere in the world.

To learn more and to find a collection center near you, go here.

If you're in our area, you can drop off at our church, FEFC.

Three Months

2011-11-15T22:57:00.001-07:00

Three months ago today, our wonderful baby boy was born.
And, tonight I am missing him.

Over the course of these months, the Lord has shown Himself faithful.
And, tonight I am thankful.

Thankful...

that his life didn't end on October 21st...but really only just began.
for Jesus...God made flesh who dwelt among us...that we "might not perish but have eternal life."
for the molds and prints we have of our baby's hands and feet.
for all the photos and videos we have.
for the record of Jude's life on this blog.
for how my baby has changed my world.
for friends who will forgive me for not calling or responding yet.
for a husband who watched Caleb so I could get out and spend some time at Starbucks with my Bible and my journal.
for a car repair that wasn't too significant.
for a really good vet who is helping us with our cat's new health issues.
that Caleb uses the new word "swack" in his daily vocabulary.
that the ophthalmologist today gave us a good report for Caleb. No more patching and no surgery! :-)
for a husband who plays board games and wrestles with his son.
for the uncontrollable giggles that can be heard during the aforementioned wrestling/tickling matches.
for a chance to watch a few minutes of college basketball tonight.
for joy in the midst of sorrow.
for the beauty that can be found in the midst of such pain.

And tonight I am thankful for a loving God who knows...who sees...and whose power is infinite.

What we don't know, He does.
What we don't see, He sees.
What we can't do, He can.

Our lives are safe in His hands.

Thank You, Lord.

בָּעֶרֶב יָלִין בֶּכִי וְלַבֹּקֶר רִנָּה

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

An "Extra" Birthday

2011-11-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today, Caleb got to celebrate his "extra birthday." Before we went up to Albuquerque for Jude's birth, I had planned a Lego party for Caleb's birthday in September. Things didn't really go as we expected, so our little guy instead got to have an unforgettable birthday far away with all of his cousins.

We still wanted to celebrate his birthday in person. So, the three of us celebrated what he called his "extra birthday." We surprised him with the balloons covering his floor when he woke up (idea found on pinterest). He wasn't expecting them, and he woke us up a little after six...thrilled as he realized what they meant. It was lots of fun, and I hope to make this a new tradition for birthdays...to go along with our old one of breakfast-in-bed and a new one that Caleb enjoyed at his cousins' house: blowing out a candle with each meal.

Caleb LOVES Legos. He literally can spend hours playing and building...tearing down and building again. Tonight, he accomplished something pretty cool. For the first time, he followed the directions on his new set and finished it all by himself. He was so proud of himself. After he completed it, he looked at me with a beaming smile on his face and asked, "Mommy, am I like a scientist?"

Yep, he's pretty likeable.

...grace to help us in our time of need

2011-11-13T22:58:00.001-07:00

The night we got home from Albuquerque, we didn't have to cook dinner. Soup was waiting for us. All we had to do was heat it up. Yet, after we had eaten, I just stared at my bowl. I stared at it for what felt like a very long time. I couldn't find in myself the strength to get up and take it to the sink.

Today, I started doing a few normal, everyday things. I wrote a check. I went to the grocery store. I went to church. I changed cat litter. I swept the floor. I worked on finances. I even thought about making dinner. That was the extent of it, however...a thought.

As we needed the Lord in the hospital, we continue to need Him now. As He met us in the hospital, He continues to meet us now. I don't know that I have ever before felt the need to ask Him for help to do the simple things such as washing a dish or putting away laundry. But, I do now. I cannot find the strength in myself to do the things I need to do. I feel that more strongly than I ever have before. I feel like I am right now living out of a desperate dependence. Thankfully, He is dependable.

Tomorrow, a new normal begins. Brandon returns to work on campus, and I will probably turn back on my cell phone. Tuesday, however, might be a better taste of what life will be like...as tomorrow our little family is going to celebrate Caleb's birthday (exactly two months later). He doesn't know it yet. When he wakes up and sees the 90 or so balloons waiting on the floor of his bedroom, he will.

Thank you for praying for us. We continue to be carried along by your prayers.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace

to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Ronald McDonald House

2011-11-12T21:32:00.001-07:00

We are big fans of the place that was our home for a little over two months. It freed us up to be near Jude throughout his journey, and we will forever be thankful to the RMHC and the people who support it.

Before we left, I made a quick video of the Ronald McDonald House. So, here's my tour. Please pay no attention to the random things I say or the lack of camera skills. :-)

Again...thanks.

2011-11-11T21:14:00.001-07:00

We received this beautiful figurine from some friends tonight.

It made me cry.

So did our house when I saw that it had been cleaned again by other amazing friends,

and it definitely needed it.

Not only that, but we also had a stocked freezer full of food

and a table full of sweet cards from lots of people we love.

We received notes as well from the Ronald McDonald House

saying that friends had donated on behalf of Jude,

and another group of 12 friends are together

sponsoring a child through Compassion...

one for each month of the year.

Still another has already chosen a child to sponsor

with the same birthday as our baby boy.

If my friend, whose decision to adopt was in part influenced by our son,

is blessed with a boy, she told me that she will give him the middle name Jude.

And just now, I saw that another friend had shared this photo with me.

We have been unbelievably blessed by the people in our lives.

There are not words to accurately describe how it feels to be loved like this.

Thank you all for letting the Lord love us through you.

News

2011-11-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Today, my hometown newspaper published a beautiful article about our sweet little baby.
You can find the article here.

Thank you, Michelle Kinsey, for wanting to share his story.
It's a sweet one.

p.s. While I would have loved to have met him at Purdue, Brandon and I met while living in Mexico. :-)

Dependence

2011-11-10T22:26:00.001-07:00

Randomness

2011-11-09T21:43:00.001-07:00

Tonight, as I sit here in the dark of our hotel room,
I listen to the sweet breathing of my husband and my son...
and the abrasive police sirens on the streets of New Orleans.
And while I sit here, I miss the beauty of the mountains
and those soft cheeks I loved to kiss so very much.

I am not at all eager to get home...
to housework...to responsibility...to cooking...and to reality.
But, it will be good to be with people we love...
and give some stability to our lonely cat.

Thank you so much for praying for us.

Would you please pray for my incredible cousin, Andrea, and her family?
As I have written before, she suffered a traumatic brain injury in the Sugarland stage collapse,
and her life has been an unbelievable testimony to the power of God ever since.
He is so beautiful in her.

You can read more about her journey here and here.

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

p.s. Please forgive the randomness of this post. I am tired.

Thankful

2011-11-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

Having enjoyed a few days in the Smoky Mountains,
we continue our journey home tomorrow.

It is a very long drive, and we are taking our time...

simply being together.

I am currently reading O Love That Will Not Let Me Go by Nancy Guthrie.

It is a collection of thoughts about death by contemporary and classic theologians,

and it is where I read the quote I posted yesterday.

In it, JI Packer points out that up until the twentieth century,

death served as one's constant companion.

People had to walk near cemeteries to get to church,

and most children died before the age of ten.

Death, the one certainty of everyone's life, was not the "unmentionable" it is today,

and believers saw this life as preparation for the next.

Today as we were driving in the mountains,

we stopped in a church graveyard that dates back to the nineteenth century.

As we walked amongst the tombstones, we saw a surprising amount marking the graves of babies.

I took several photos of them, but this one in particular caught my eye.

Offa Sparks lived two months,

and her stone says, "Gone But Not Forgotten."

Tonight, I am thankful.

I am thankful to live in a time and place where

Jude was able to receive the medical care he received

that allowed us to be able to get to know our sweet little boy.

I am thankful to be the daughter of the One who is sovereign over my baby's life

just as He is sovereign over the lives of my husband and 5-year-old son.

I am thankful for this peaceful time with my little family.

And, I am thankful for all this beauty that is only a dim reflection

of the beauty that is yet to come.

True Contentment

2011-11-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

Homeward Bound

2011-11-06T19:15:00.002-07:00

This morning, we headed south.

We are slowly making our way home.

Today, we heard many times the beautiful sound of this.

Tomorrow, we are going to spend the first of two days in this.

And right now, I am about to look at the back of my eyelids in this.

All the while, we are thoroughly missing this.

Number Our Days

2011-11-06T00:22:00.000-06:00

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

The number 67 will never again be just another number to us.

It is the number of days that the Lord gave us to spend with our beloved baby.

And, He alone knew what that number would be.

We don't know how many days we have left here on this earth.

Nor do we know how many days remain with the ones we love.

But, He does.

This morning, just before we lowered the casket into the ground,

we asked everyone to consider making a commitment...

a decision to not let things go until tomorrow...

a choice to let God use our little baby's life to make a specific change in their own.
That change might be to follow Christ, to forgive someone, to seek to be reconciled, etc.

And to mark that commitment, we asked them to take a rose petal

and use it to mark permanently the casket of our precious boy.
That casket was beautiful when it was placed in the ground.

We are not promised forever.
Lord, teach us to number our days aright, that we might gain a heart of wisdom.

Tonight, I am sitting in my parents' living room watching family videos from the 1940's.
In these videos, I get to see scenes of my grandparents as young newlyweds
surrounded by my great grandparents and my great great grandparents.
In one of the scenes, my great grandpa is seen happily boarding an airplane for Russia.
On that same trip, he passed away from a heart attack.
He didn't know how long he had.

And neither do we.

Today, my beloved baby marked (at least) the sixth generation of my family
to be buried in that small town cemetery.
And, Brandon and I might someday follow.

In the meantime, I want to embrace fully this life the Lord has for me.
In order to do that, I must embrace the inevitable and explore death in light of the Scriptures.

As J.I. Packer says, "Only when you know how to die can you know how to live."

Jesus, thank you for using my baby to begin to show me how to live.

"Show me, O Lord, my life's end

and the number of my days;

let me know how fleeting is my life.

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath."

Psalm 39:4-5

One Bright Hour

2011-11-04T22:14:00.001-06:00

Tonight, we were surrounded by many people we love a lot. We were the recipients of lots of hugs, cards, flowers, and love. Many traveled a long way, surprising us with their sweet presence. Thank you all so much for coming. We are so grateful for our friends and family.

Tomorrow, we have to do something we never imagined we would have to do. Please pray for us. I'm not sure how we will get through it, but I know that the One who holds our precious baby will hold us too.

My friend Jen is sitting with me tonight and shared this song with me. So, I thought I would share it with you. I am so thankful for the beautiful hope we have in Jesus.

Love

2011-11-03T21:25:00.000-06:00

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one,

not even an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements.

Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.

It will not be broken;

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable.

-CS Lewis

This past week...

2011-11-03T02:31:00.001-06:00

Over the course of this week, we have had quite a bit going on. We welcomed one child home. We mourned and celebrated the other. We welcomed family into our home. And, we traveled over 1500 miles. Here is what it looked like in pictures:

We began Saturday with the Buddy Walk. We are so thankful for the timing of the event, as well as to all of our friends and family who came out. It turns out that the walk was part of the NMSU Homecoming Parade. I wasn't expecting that, but it ended up being a lot of fun. We are hoping to make it an annual tradition.

As we walk through this process of (temporarily) saying goodbye to our beautiful baby, there have still been many things we have wanted to do for him...tangible ways to show him our love. For Brandon, it was speaking at the service on Saturday. I was so proud of him and am grateful we recorded what he shared. For me, it was making a video from the photos of his life set to a song that has meant so very much to us, Let it Bring You Praise by Matt Hammitt.

After singing Mighty to Save with his cousins, Caleb fell asleep and slept through most of the service. It was a kind blessing to be able to just hold him and not worry about him. Many wonderful friends shared sweet things about our baby, and together we sang The Solid Rock and Jesus Paid it All...both of which meant a lot to us during our time in the hospital. Our friends, Matt and Jenae, sang an incredible song that they wrote about Jude months ago, and it was even more beautiful hearing the words in light of our sweet baby's current reality. We hope to share the video of the service some day. It was sweet, and we felt so loved by our friends and family. Thank you all.

On Sunday, some of us had to go to El Paso. So, we all took the kids to Taco Tote and the El Paso Zoo. We had a great time together. On Monday, we took the kids to the fall festival at our church. We love the wonderful people there, and it was great to spend time with them after being away for months.

Yesterday and today were spent traveling. On our way through Missouri, we stopped and checked out the Gateway Arch. We were all fascinated by the ride to the top, the views, and the museum at the base. Today was the first day we have been alone as a family, and though the drive was exhausting, it was really good to be together. I am a huge fan of the men in my life.

Please continue to pray for us as we walk this path. We thank God for all of you.

Faithful One

2011-11-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

I (Brandon) wanted to get a quick update in before bed tonight. We (Mandy, Caleb and I) left this morning at 6:30am with my sister and her four kids. We're heading to Indiana and they're going to Illinois. It's been a long day of driving and we are all exhausted. I think everyone's asleep but me :)

I realized an hour into our trip this morning that the main reason Mandy and I started our day with an argument wasn't mainly because we didn't get out of Las Cruces at the predetermined time. I was being argumentative as we were leaving this morning because this trek across the Midwest is drastically different than any other trip in the past. I wasn't prepared for the weightiness of the day, let alone this week. I still don't think I am.

It's difficult to think, and now write, that we've begun the trip through seven states to bury our little man's body. We're not ready for that. Hopefully we will be ready by the time Saturday arrives.

Our God has been faithful to prepare us for every step in this journey and then He walks us through each day, each hour. I am confident He will not fail us in this either. His kindness continues to brighten our days. His joy keeps rubbing into our sorrows.

Thank you, Jesus. We need you so much!

Open House

2011-11-01T01:09:00.000-06:00

Our bags are packed again. Tomorrow, we start the two-day drive out east.

There are so many people we would love to see while we are in the midwest, but we don't have much time. So, we're doing a casual open house on Friday night. Please come if you can make it. We are so thankful to those of you who have been following Jude's story and praying for us, and we would love to say thanks in person. Here are the details:

Open House

Friday, November 4th 5-7pm
The Cross Law Firm (my dad's office)
315 E Charles St.
Muncie, IN 47305

Thank you so much for praying for us this past weekend. I hope to update sometime in the future. Just as our Father has carried us throughout our time in the hospital with Jude, He continues to carry us. Tonight, my heart aches for my baby boy...and it is filled with joy at the same time. I can't explain it. Little things bring to mind strong memories, and I have to depend on the Lord like never before. Still, the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 continues to ring in my head: "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." Thank You, Lord, that "when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10)."

Held

2011-10-30T21:57:00.000-06:00

The Story of Jude

2011-10-29T23:04:00.001-06:00

Doorways Cut in Sod

2011-10-29T00:35:00.000-06:00

I once scorned every fearful thought of death,

When it was but the end of pulse and breath,

But now my eyes have seen that past the pain

There is a world that's waiting to be claimed.
Earthmaker, Holy, let me now depart,

For living's such a temporary art.

And dying is but getting dressed for God,

Our graves are merely doorways cut in sod.

Calvin Miller

I wrote an obituary today for the first time. I am posting it below. In the meantime, please pray for us tomorrow. And, please pray that the service would clearly reflect the beauty of Jesus as seen through the life of our precious little guy.

If you're local, we would love to see you tomorrow (even if we've never met). Again, thanks so much for all of the support.

On August 15th, 2011, God blessed this world with the gift of Jude Matthew Pelton. He stayed with us for only 67 days, but his short little life touched so many. On October 21, 2011, he left our arms to be held by the One whom he was created for: Jesus.

When we learned that Jude had Down Syndrome and a heart defect, we knew that God would use his life for His good purposes in this world. While we never could have imagined that his life with us would be so short, we received our baby as a gift. Little did we know how precious that gift would become. He has changed us forever. He has taught us what it means to love, what it means to live, and what it means to hope in Jesus.

It is our prayer that our baby's life point others to the One who created him. Only through Him can we have this hope. Only through Him can we have peace in our sufferings. And, only through Him do we get to spend eternity with our sweet, sweet Jude.

Jude was intensely loved and cherished by his family: Daddy and Mommy, Brandon and Mandy Pelton; Big Brother, Caleb; Grandma and Grandpa, Barb and Greg Cross; Mamie and Bumpa, Hope and Barry Pelton; as well as many wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins.

If you would like to join us as we celebrate his sweet life, the service will be held Saturday, October 29th at 3pm at University Presbyterian Church, with the burial taking place at a later date in Mooreland, Indiana. In light of Psalm 67, a memorial fund will be set up to help others know the wonderful name of Jesus. Checks can be made out to and sent to First Evangelical Free Church, PO Box 1835, Las Cruces, NM 88004. Please write "Jude's Memorial" on the memo line. Thank you.

Buddy Walk 2011

2011-10-28T01:20:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, the Southern New Mexico Down Syndrome Families is hosting a Buddy Walk to raise awareness of DS. The cost of $12 includes a gift bag, a t-shirt, and refreshments. All proceeds go to SNMDSF.

We are planning on being there. We would love for you to join us. It starts at 10 on the east side of the Pan Am Center. For more info, check out our friends' facebook page here or the SNMDSF site here.

"What can I do?"

2011-10-26T23:24:00.004-06:00

We are so blessed to be surrounded by people who care...physically and through the internet as well.
Many, many friends have asked us, "What can I do?" or "Let me know if there is anything I can do." We really appreciate the desire, but we never know what to say. Tonight, I have some thoughts...

1) Consider sponsoring a child through Compassion International. Jude had wonderful medical care. The vast majority of children do not. We hope to have a table set up on Saturday with information on specific children who are in need of sponsorship. We hope to specifically have children with special needs included on the table as well. For more information on Compassion, please click here.

2) Save up your pop tabs to benefit the Ronald McDonald House. We are so thankful for the Ronald McDonald House. We had a free place to stay that was close to our little guy, and we were fed lovely meals every night. I hope to share more in a future post about what life was like for us there, but in the meantime I wanted to let people know about this program. We are planning on having something on Saturday for collecting pop can tabs. So, if you drink a can of pop between now and then, please save the tab. Read more about the program here.

3) Give blood. Jude had all sorts of blood transfusions throughout his stay in the hospital. He had platelets, plasma, red blood cells and other blood products I can't recall. We were so thankful to those people who donated...enabling our beloved boy to live past his second day of life. Giving does save lives. To schedule an appointment, go here.

Thank you, friends.

Our life with Jude seems like a dream sometimes. Life has continued here since we left in August. Because mine stopped, it seems like everything else should have as well. But, it didn't. It seems like we should have returned to summer. But, we didn't. It is already homecoming on campus. Students started school while we were gone. The leaves began falling off our trees. Christmas decorations are out in stores already. Life has gone on.

And, it wasn't a dream. It was very real, and our hearts have the wounds and my body the scar to prove it. As we adjust to life back home, the pain remains fresh...with the service, the burial, and the packing of Jude's room still looming before us. Yet, we are certain that the One who has walked with us through these past few months will continue to walk with us through the months to come.

Thank You, Father.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our affliction,

so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction,

with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV)

Back Home

2011-10-26T00:34:00.000-06:00

We are home now.

When we came home, we found:

Our house had been cleaned again.

Our front door had been replaced.

The refrigerator was stocked with groceries.

There was a meal waiting for us.

Fresh flowers were on the counter.

Hot mugs of apple cider were steaming.

Friends were waiting to help us unload.

Millie was eager to see us.

And, our front porch was filled with beautiful flowers.

It was a lovely sight.

We are so blessed.

Thank you all so much.

Our trip to Illinois was really good and just what we needed.

We love that kid so much, and it was wonderful to be with him again.

It was especially funny to occasionally be called

"Aunt Mandy" and "Uncle Brandon" by our own son.

:-)

He remains in Illinois until Friday so we can work out the details together

and try to get used to the idea of being home without our baby.

Please continue to pray for him as he processes through what has happened.

He is so little, and it is hard to understand.

Please pray for us as well as we plan the next few weeks

and as we continue to miss our sweet baby boy.

Thank you.

All Things New

2011-10-25T01:59:00.000-06:00

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth,

for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God,

prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

“Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.

He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,

and God himself will be with them as their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning,

nor crying,

nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said,

“Behold, I am making all things new.”

Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

And he said to me, “It is done!

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.

To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.

The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

(Revelation 21:1-7 ESV)

Service Details

2011-10-24T11:26:00.000-06:00

We want to celebrate our baby boy's life.

And, you're invited.

University Presbyterian Church

Las Cruces, New Mexico

Saturday, October 29th at 3pm

We will update if things change.

Thank you so much for praying.
This joy we feel in the midst of sadness is definitely not of us.
God is so good.

Caleb and Grief

2011-10-24T01:03:00.001-06:00

We couldn't stop squeezing our big little boy today when we first saw him,
and he couldn't stop giggling.
Words can't express how wonderful it is to be with him again.

This afternoon, we gathered Caleb together with his seven cousins.

We sat in a circle, and Brandon shared again the story of Jude's life.

The children were sad. Some cried and some asked questions.

They asked such good questions.

Caleb's reaction was sweet. He said again and again, "Ohhh..."

And then he asked, "Why did Baby Jude die?"

"Why won't we be able to see him for a long time?"

"Why can't I be with my brother?"

"Can we buy another baby?"

"And can we name him Jude?"

After we talked with the kids and heard their questions,

Brandon asked if anyone wanted to pray.

Immediately, Caleb raised his hand.

"Dear God, thank You for Baby Jude.

Thank You for his surgery.

Thank You for (he proceeds to name everyone in the room.)

In dear God name, Amen."

We are just beginning the process of grieving and mourning our sweet, sweet baby.

And, we felt that the Lord gave us a good start with Caleb today.

Thank you for praying.

And as we enter this part of the journey,

I don't want to forget a thing.

I find myself working to remember

the feel of holding his tiny, flexible little hand

or stroking the soft hair on his head.

I want to never forget his sweet, sweet scent

and the softness of the skin on his neck and back.

I want to hold on to what it felt like to kiss not only his sweet, soft cheeks

but also the tape that kept the tube in place that allowed my baby to breathe.

I want the weight and warmth of his body the times I held him

to be burned forever in my memory.

Lord, thank You again for the gift of our baby.

Thank You that You gave us the name Jude Matthew

knowing before we even imagined

how much You would be "praised" through his life...

and just how much of a "gift of God" he would be to so many.

Amen.

Thank you.

2011-10-23T00:49:00.002-06:00

Sitting here in our kitchen, I had turned on the computer to write a post to share about our first day without our littlest. Instead, we have spent the last hour reading through tears the incredible messages you have written to us on here and on Facebook...and there are still so many yet to read. We are humbled and grateful to be the parents of a little boy whose life touched so many others. Thank You, Lord.

It is late, and in 5 1/2 hours, we board a plane to Illinois. Please pray for Caleb as we begin the grieving process with him. We are eager to see him and our family. As of now, we are tentatively planning a service for Saturday. We will update again soon. Right now, my bed is calling.

Jude's nurse Susie shared this with me tonight. It's beautiful.

67 Days

2011-10-22T02:14:00.000-06:00

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Our precious little gift from God met Jesus tonight. The Lord gave us 67 very sweet days with our baby boy, and we are thanking Him tonight for each one of them.

When it became obvious his little heart wasn't going to make it through the night, we chose to spend the time we had left together with him in our arms. We held him. We rocked him. We sang to him. We sang to the Lord. We cried. We prayed. We praised. And, we thanked God for him.

Our hearts are filled with sadness, gratitude and joy. Jude could have passed away in the cath lab yesterday, but he didn't. We had another day together to enjoy and love him. And tonight, we were able to have the sweet hour to say goodbye and tell him again and again how much we love him...how proud we are of him...and how much we thank God for him. We told him again how many people love him and have prayed for him. We told him of what we knew awaited him as soon as he left our arms. And, we told him that we would see him again.

Our baby lives. He lives more fully than any of us can ever comprehend or even imagine. He is free...untethered by the lines and cords and tubes that bound him. And he is His.

Thank You, Jesus. Thank You that death is not the end. It is only the beginning for those who follow and trust in you. Please, may our baby's life point others to You. May our baby's sweet story drive those who hear of it to the cross. May the little one whom you so wonderfully created draw us all to the One we were created for: You. Thank you so very, very much for the precious gift of Jude. Amen.

Our Little Fighter

2011-10-21T00:54:00.000-06:00

Today...

I am not sure how to describe today. I guess I can start off with saying that I am grateful to be on the closing end of the day. And that I am grateful for the ways the Lord walked us through...and preserved my baby's life.

Jude's blood pressure problems worsened throughout the night. By morning, his blood pressures were super low and his white blood cell count had rocketed to 57,000. Oxygenated blood wasn't pumping well throughout his body, and we could no longer feel his pulse in his feet. It quickly became evident that our little guy is battling a pretty massive infection. So, the doctors quickly began to treat him for meningitis. And, we were told that he might not survive this infection...that he might not survive beyond today.

An echocardiogram showed a heart that looked basically the same as it had been looking lately. That indicated that it wasn't a change in his heart that was causing the new problems. There was, however, more fluid accumulated in the area surrounding his heart...most likely caused by the fluid shifts he has been having with his kidney issues. After the cardiologists looked at the images, they decided that they would take him down to drain some of that fluid off with a needle.

After accompanying our little guy downstairs as far as they would let us, we left him at the cath lab and went up to wait in Jude's room. We were told that the procedure would be about thirty minutes. While we waited, we prayed. We took turns reading psalms. We prayed some more. I took some pictures of his room. And we waited.

Thirty minutes turned into an hour. An hour turned into two. Eventually, we were told he would be up shortly. Just before we saw our baby, the cardiologist who performed the procedure came up to let us know how things had gone.

This is what she told us: Our little boy was doing okay, but he had scared everyone. Soon after we had left Jude downstairs to come up and wait, they went to move him on to the table where they would be performing the procedure. As soon as he was on the table, his heart rate and blood pressure dropped significantly and his sats plummeted. Immediately, the cardiologist began performing CPR. Jude was coding. After five minutes of chest compressions, he started to stabilize. They then proceeded with the procedure.

Soon after he was back in his room, he opened his eyes and looked around at us. I can't tell you how sweet it was to see our little boy responding to us after he had just been through such an ordeal. I can't tell you how much I love those little eyes. Such sweet, sweet eyes.

The rest of the day has continued to be intense, but our little boy is fighting. He still has low blood pressure, and they are giving him epinephrine along with countless other antibiotics, blood products, and medicines. He is requiring two nurses for all that he needs right now. Thankfully, they are wonderful. We are both staying the night tonight...sharing a bed that is less than the size of a couch.

And now we hope and pray and wait.

Our baby almost died today. The Lord has given us more time with him, and we are so thankful. We don't know how long that time will be, but we want to make the most of all the time we have. The Lord in so many ways prepared us for this. We didn't know it, but He did. You can see some of that in this post I wrote in early August. His fingerprints are all over our baby boy's life...and our journey.

Please continue to pray for us. We are pretty broken and tired...and grateful. Please pray that the Lord would guide us in how to love our sweet pea as he needs to be loved right now. And please continue to pray for our baby's healing.

Thank you.

Requests

2011-10-20T01:11:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here tonight next to Jude. He has had a rough day...the second in a row.

His white blood cell count went way up yesterday, indicating an infection that still has yet to show itself. Nothing has grown on any of his cultures except our old friend Stenotrophomonas. It seems that that little bug really likes to live in Jude's lungs. Nobody is calling it pneumonia, however. It seems to just be colonizing. Please continue to pray for healing and protection from infection.

The skin breakdown on the PD catheter site has now been addressed by a wound care nurse, and so he is being treated for that. If it doesn't heal, then he will have to go back to the operating room to have the catheter moved to a different location. Please pray that the catheter site heals.

The plastic surgeon is hoping to take Jude back down to the OR to move the rotation flap and hopefully seal off the CSF leak. He will do that no sooner than a week from now. Please continue to pray for healing for his head.

Jude is back on peritoneal dialysis. With the fluid the dialysis has pulled off of him, he has now stopped peeing altogether. Please continue to pray for his kidneys to heal and to function well.

After our incredible day on Monday...when Jude did so well after the power wean on the ventilator...he started to have some problems and now he is receiving as much support on the vent as he was before. Please pray that Jude will be able to be weaned off the ventilator.

He continues to have really low platelets. We haven't gotten the tests back yet about that yet. Please pray that they will be able to diagnose the problem and that the doctors will have wisdom as to how to treat it.

Today, he has struggled with really low blood pressure. As I sit here, I am looking at really low numbers. I feel sick just looking at it. Early on, however, I was told to "look at my baby" instead of just the monitors or the MRIs or the charts. I love looking at him. Please pray that his blood pressure will stabilize and that we will trust the Lord with this.

We bought plane tickets today to go get Caleb and bring him back here for a week. We are super excited at the idea of seeing our big boy. Would you please pray that the Lord would bless our trip and the timing of it all? Brandon is going to fly out to get him on Halloween, and I am going to take him back a week later. That way, one of us will be here with Jude as well. Soooo excited and grateful.

Thanks so much to all of you who continue to read this blog and pray for our baby boy. We are so thankful to the Lord for the blessings He is pouring out on us in the midst of the biggest trial of our life. Thanks for being a part of that.

Hebrews 4:16

2011-10-19T00:11:00.004-06:00

Sundays vs. Mondays

2011-10-18T01:47:00.000-06:00

So, it seems that we have a pattern here.
Lately, Sundays have been rather challenging.
But, Mondays have been significantly better. :-)

While the issues we shared yesterday continue, we took a sweet step forward today. This morning, Jude's doctor played with his ventilator settings. He basically switched things up so that Jude gets similar support but has to take many, many more breaths on his own. Our baby performed wonderfully. He maintained a similar respiratory rate to what the machine was making him do yesterday, only he initiated the breaths on his own. Not only that, but he seemed infinitely more comfortable today than he did yesterday. The difference was amazing.

We are so thankful for this step forward. The doctor even mentioned possibly attempting to extubate him on Wednesday or Thursday. Now, I know my baby and that things hardly ever go as planned with him. But, we would LOVE to see him off the ventilator. Please pray that Jude continues to improve in this area. Getting that tube out would really help in his overall healing.

We have never heard him cry because his vocal cords are suppressed by his breathing tube.
I long to hear my baby's voice.

In other news, the little guy has some wound issue problems at the site of his PD catheter. Please pray that the skin breakdown would stop and that healing would happen. Better yet, please pray that they would no longer need the PD catheter and he could come off of dialysis. Please continue to pray for his kidneys. And while you're at it, please keep praying against infection and for healing for his head wound. Thanks. :-)

Brandon and I decided to go see the movie Courageous tonight. If you haven't seen it, go. Go now. Turn off the computer and go see this movie. You won't regret it. It just might change your life. Or your family.

Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation

2011-10-17T00:38:00.001-06:00

The second morning of Jude's life, he was diagnosed with Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC). It is essentially what led to the bleeds on his brain. I didn't write about it when it was happening because I didn't understand it. I still don't...really.

But, I am being forced to understand it better now, as it seems that Jude is in DIC again. This time, it is a more mild state of DIC...but it is concerning.

DIC occurs when small blood clots are formed inside the blood vessels all throughout the body. Because those blood clots use up all the platelets and proteins, the blood doesn't clot like it should and bleeding occurs. In Jude's case, the bleeds happened in his brain. Currently, the doctors don't believe that he is at risk for similar bleeds.

So, Jude can't keep his platelets up because his body is consuming them. And, because of the numerous transfusions he has been getting lately, it seems that he might be developing antibodies to the donors' platelets. A test has been sent out and we will hopefully know soon. I have no idea what treatment might be if that is the case.

Apparently, this too can lead to kidney failure. Jude had to go back on dialysis tonight because he wasn't peeing enough fluid off. He swelled significantly today. We also learned that he has a urinary tract infection. Poor little guy.

Our precious baby is really, really sick. There are so many complicated issues, and they all affect one another. As you can imagine, we are struggling. It's so painful to see our little man like this. Please continue to pray for us.

We still don't know what our future holds...what Jude's future holds. But, we know the One who does. We know the One who holds the future...and our baby...in His very capable, very loving hands.

Tonight at church, we sang the song The Solid Rock. The lyrics go, "On Christ the solid rock we stand. All other ground is sinking sand." Jesus is our rock. Jesus is our firm foundation. And, He is with us in this storm.

The Solid Rock

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain

Unexpected Blessings

2011-10-16T01:12:00.001-06:00

While talking with the hematologist today, he said something about how difficult our road has been. I responded by saying something along the lines of: "Yes, but there have been a lot of really sweet times as well." To which he replied, "Tell me about that." So, I told him. :-)

When people hear or read about our journey, they often feel sad for us. Yes, there is much to be sad about. We don't want our baby to ever feel pain or discomfort. We miss our firstborn and desire wholeheartedly to be with him. We miss our friends back home, and our cat is pretty lonely.

But, that's just part of the story. In the midst of this, there have been way too many blessings to count. Not only are we getting to know so many truly wonderful people in this hospital, we are experiencing the Lord in ways we never would otherwise. For example, in Jude's hospital room, there is a growing wall display of cards sent from people who are tangibly showing us that love...some of whom we have never met. In addition, people have written us to tell them how Jude's little life is affecting their own. A friend of mine even wrote me recently to tell me that our baby has encouraged her in a decision to adopt.

And today, a cousin whom I have not seen since I was a kid, flew out here with her husband to spend the day with us. Angie and Chris wanted to come out just to see us and let us know how much we were loved by her side of our family. Isn't that incredible? We had such a great time with them. Thank you, guys!

We are fervently praying for our little man's healing. As we wait, we rejoice in the small steps and are thanking God for all the blessings He is pouring out into our lives along the way.

Please join us in praying...

for his platelets. His body seems to be consuming them. Please pray that his little body will produce and maintain the necessary amount.
for his kidneys. They stopped dialysis today!!! Praise God. His urine output really needs to increase significantly, however, in order for that to continue. Please pray he pees a lot. :-)
for his lungs. His respiratory muscles are weak, and the doctors are not having a lot of success trying to wean him off the ventilator. Please pray that he will learn to breathe on his own.
for his digestive system. He is now getting 5ml an hour of breastmilk. We are so proud of him for digesting so well. His poop looks great! Please pray that he continues to digest well.
for his head. Please pray that his head incision will stop leaking.

Chris, Angie and One of the Two Sweetest Babies in the World :-)

2 Months

2011-10-14T22:56:00.001-06:00

Our sweet Baby Jude is 2 months old tomorrow. In honor of our little man's August 15th birthday,
I thought I'd list 15 things you might not know about him.

He was born with light hair, and now he has dark hair and eyebrows. Caleb was born with dark hair and is now blonde.
He really does not like dirty diapers.
He likes his room to be dark. Often when we dim the lights, he opens his eyes.
He drives his nurses crazy with his incredible skills at wiggling out of his head dressings. He is very intentional about it.
He has tiny little balls for toes. They are precious.
He has beautiful blue eyes.
His eyelids flip inside out a little when he is swollen and crying.
He swings his arms very purposefully at people who are doing something he doesn't like.
He likes back scratches...just like the entire Pelton side of his family.
He has a sweet little button nose.
He likes Goodnight Moon and The Jesus Storybook Bible.
He doesn't like oral care, but he is well prepared for the dentist.
He might be getting teeth pretty soon.
He is super flexible.
He is a beautiful gift from the Lord, and we are so thankful for him.

Everything Beautiful

My Felt Jesse Tree Ornaments

Our Entry into Homeschooling

Holding on to Hope

Faith and Hope in Tragedy: My Favorite Example

How to Draw a "Battletank"

Our Camping Adventure

His Room

Post-Christmas Gingerbread Destruction

Sick Day

Project 365

Five Months

Family Christmas

Embracing the Camera

Accountability

Home

Happy Centennial, New Mexico!

Whole Hearts

A Boy's Mom

Hello Mornings

Upside Down Mazes

Resolutions

Glory to God

2011

Still thankful...

the hammer and the nail

Denver Christmas Conference

The Christmas Spirit

The Day After Christmas

He made himself nothing...

O death, where is your victory?

Thankful

The Nursery in the PICU

A Hospital Visit

Albuquerque

To save a baby...

A Continual Passion

This kid...

God is for me...

Cookies

Light

Justin

Andrea

Friends, I had hoped that my my next post about my daughter, Andrea, would be next Monday upon my return from visiting her at her rehabilitation facility in Michigan. Unfortunately, events subsequent to my last post have altered those plans, and I feel a need to share our current circumstance.

Thoughts on Christmas

The Simple Things

Lego Guys and Christmas Trees

Snow

Beauty All Around

A Stocking for Jude

25 Days of Books

The Jesse Tree...and other Advent Traditions

The Advent Season

Jude's Chest

A Sacrifice of Praise

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

Because of Christmas...

Something Beyond Ourselves

Give Thanks

A Grace Disguised

Operation Christmas Child

Grief and Hope...one month later

The Sun-News Story

The End of Down Syndrome?

Jude's Service

First Day

Millie

Three Months

An "Extra" Birthday

...grace to help us in our time of need

Ronald McDonald House

Again...thanks.

News

Dependence

Randomness

Thankful

True Contentment

Homeward Bound

Number Our Days

One Bright Hour

Friends,

I had hoped that my my next post about my daughter, Andrea, would be next Monday upon my return from visiting her at her rehabilitation facility in Michigan. Unfortunately, events subsequent to my last post have altered those plans, and I feel a need to share our current circumstance.