Adjustments

We had some appointments in ABQ on Friday.  Again, they went well.  Little boy scored again perfectly on his biophysical profile.  We also learned that they want us there closer to 36 weeks than 37.  So, we're looking at being there starting on August 6th or so.  We're still unsure as to where we'll stay during that time.

Although our appointments did go well, I left the perinatologist's office on the verge of tears.  Once we were in the car, I broke down pretty hard.  I had had a conversation with the sonographer that went something like this:

Me:  "So, can you tell at all through the ultrasounds how good his muscle tone will be?"

Sonographer (not sure what she said immediately but somehow began saying something like this about her nephew with DS): "He has good tone.  He can even sign now." 

Me (thinking he must be 1 or 2): "That's great.  How old is he?"

Sonographer:  "He's 10."

Me:  "Oh, so he can't talk?"

Sonographer: "He can communicate some.  But, mostly he signs."

It hadn't really occurred to me that my baby might not ever talk.  In the same way, it had never occurred to me that he might not ever read or write (as was mentioned in a devotional Brandon's mom sent us).  Or, that he could end up in a home when he gets older if anything ever happened to us (as was mentioned by someone when sharing about her uncle with DS).  It's these potential losses that seem to come up in conversations when I'm not expecting them...and seem the hardest of all to hear.  A strange mix of mourning, adapting, and trusting usually follows. 

It is a mixed blessing to already know the diagnosis.  It is so good to be able to prepare and learn and even get the right medical care.  Yet, we don't know our baby yet.  We haven't held him...or fed him...or cuddled him.  Even as I feel him hiccup inside me right now, there is something surreal about the fact that he will be in our arms (hopefully) in approximately 6 weeks.  Consequently, the unknown challenges can loom greater than they would otherwise...clouding some of the joy that comes with pregnancy.  It will be so good to have him in our arms.

Some friends told us of friends they know who were told their child could have DS only to discover at birth that he doesn't.  Maybe that could be the case with us too?  It is not.  The results are definitive, and I have found myself sharing that I would be disappointed some if that were the case.  We do believe that this child (with his medical issues) is a huge part of God's plan for us, and we are receiving him as a gift from a good Father who loves us. 

It's late, and this is becoming random and incoherent.  :-)  Going to bed now, but I do want to say thanks again for praying.  There is still so much to share...and I hope to blog more in the coming days.  We're so grateful to all of you for the prayers, notes, food, support and love.  Wish I could express better how much we appreciate you.